A Late Night and I Can't Sleep

I have been struggling a lot lately with sleep. It is in the midst of the dark hours that my mind begins to tumble into the seething pits of the depression I have fought for years. It is during these late nights that my blog turns sour and it is nothing but an emotional outburst of pain. 

Tonight is really no different.

Source:
www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/dan-marker-moore-moon-rise-time-slice

Mind boggling issue #1

So many people in my life that have are going through or have gone through unrest in their relationships; or have come to the end. The strife they feel towards their significant other is boiling out and affecting several other relationships. Relationships that were once incredibly important have now take a back seat. Those that are being pushed aside are in pain, as well as those that are in the middle of the chaos. 

Mind boggling issue #2

What the hell happened to my so called

Source: Google Search

friends? Yes, this issue again.  My heart is so broken.

Mind boggling issue #3

Home repairs, upgrades, and remodels. We have had this house for 7 years and we finally got the cement laid. We are now the proud owners of a front walkway, and a patio. A really large patio. Now I want a fire-pit. Actually, I have always wanted a fire-pit. I love sitting next to the crackling wood and watching the flames flicker and pop. I love the smell, and feeling of peace that enters my mind. 
In my mind I see my dream outdoor living space and it is just a few feet out my back door. 

Mind boggling issue #4

It seems that when the night creeps in the thoughts creep out. The feelings of inadequacies. The feelings of loss. The missing hope. The lack of faith. The feelings of shame because of my body size. The confusion when people tell me I am pretty. I look in the mirror and I just. do. not. see. it. All the years of abuse I endured as a child and teenager have never left the back of my mind. All the self-hatred is still there. The desire to hide is still there. When does it end? It's a mad cycle of shit, and I want it to go away. The sadness doesn't last as long any more, and it doesn't come as often but it still comes.

Mind boggling issue #5

When I said I  was done caring so much I lied. I can't stop caring not matter how hard I try. 

Google Search Image

So there are five of the issues that are running circles in my mind. And each time they complete a cycle the pain starts over and I cry. Feeling the pain of those around me and my own pain is crippling. I hate being an emphatic person, at times it is too much. I need to learn to block, but I haven't mastered that skill.