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Anger
I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, but that sun set twenty plus years ago.
I am the child of a broke home. A marriage that ended in great bitterness, anger, sadness, and loss. Not only did the marriage end but the family...my family... was tore apart.
My dad is still very angry and no matter how many times he is reminded about this he still just says it's not going to happen. Tomorrow he goes in for bypass surgery; could the last words I have said to him be "Someday you will have to get over your selfishness!!" in a fit of anger? Could me reaching out and asking him to read Ephesians 4:25-32 been the last chance for him and his reply have been "Not going to happen." There are so many what ifs? How comes? What fors? I made my choice to not attend this medical procedure because of my hurts. I made the choice not to go because I am still angry at him and a few others that will be there as well. I am angry because of all the heartaches they have caused. I know that I should just deal, be the bigger person, and swallow the bitter pill; it's so hard.
God said "Be angry and do not sin." Does the guarding of my heart constitute sin? Does not wanting to put myself in a position for anguish mean I am sinning? Does not forgiving the people who have hurt
me mean I am sinning? According to Luke 17:3-4 I am suppose to forgive repeat offenses. Again, I am confused. I know that this life is not going to be easy.
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I am angry with my brother and his wife\fiance\baby-mama for always dumping their problems on me and when I am set to have an adult conversation I was told "We don't need your help." After working extra hard to ensure that my schedule was cleared so I could go help them work through whatever issues they had to make their relationship stronger,but at the last minute was told we don't need you. I guess I felt...still feel...I deserved an apology. This just makes the anger seethe inside. I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, and I am not suppose to let that anger turn to sin. Have I? Is avoiding them sin?
I am so confused.
Protecting my heart from hurts, but at what cost? Does building up wall around my heart mean I am sinning? I guess I am. The lesson in Luke 6:27-36 Oh what a hard, hard lesson.
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I love my father and his wife, my grandma, and my brother and his wife/fiance/baby-mama and kid.I just do not love the hurts in my heart.
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