A Late Night and I Can't Sleep

I have been struggling a lot lately with sleep. It is in the midst of the dark hours that my mind begins to tumble into the seething pits of the depression I have fought for years. It is during these late nights that my blog turns sour and it is nothing but an emotional outburst of pain. 

Tonight is really no different.

Source:
www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/dan-marker-moore-moon-rise-time-slice

Mind boggling issue #1

So many people in my life that have are going through or have gone through unrest in their relationships; or have come to the end. The strife they feel towards their significant other is boiling out and affecting several other relationships. Relationships that were once incredibly important have now take a back seat. Those that are being pushed aside are in pain, as well as those that are in the middle of the chaos. 

Mind boggling issue #2

What the hell happened to my so called

Source: Google Search

friends? Yes, this issue again.  My heart is so broken.

Mind boggling issue #3

Home repairs, upgrades, and remodels. We have had this house for 7 years and we finally got the cement laid. We are now the proud owners of a front walkway, and a patio. A really large patio. Now I want a fire-pit. Actually, I have always wanted a fire-pit. I love sitting next to the crackling wood and watching the flames flicker and pop. I love the smell, and feeling of peace that enters my mind. 
In my mind I see my dream outdoor living space and it is just a few feet out my back door. 

Mind boggling issue #4

It seems that when the night creeps in the thoughts creep out. The feelings of inadequacies. The feelings of loss. The missing hope. The lack of faith. The feelings of shame because of my body size. The confusion when people tell me I am pretty. I look in the mirror and I just. do. not. see. it. All the years of abuse I endured as a child and teenager have never left the back of my mind. All the self-hatred is still there. The desire to hide is still there. When does it end? It's a mad cycle of shit, and I want it to go away. The sadness doesn't last as long any more, and it doesn't come as often but it still comes.

Mind boggling issue #5

When I said I  was done caring so much I lied. I can't stop caring not matter how hard I try. 

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So there are five of the issues that are running circles in my mind. And each time they complete a cycle the pain starts over and I cry. Feeling the pain of those around me and my own pain is crippling. I hate being an emphatic person, at times it is too much. I need to learn to block, but I haven't mastered that skill. 

I am Invisible

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I have come to the conclusion that I am utterly invisible to all around me; unless they need something.

Sigh

I am going to take refuge knowing that I am not invisible to my God. He knew me before I was born (Ps 139:13) and He has plans for me. He is going to take all this pain, disappointment, and turn it into something good. I only need to have faith, I need to only lean on my God to find rest.

I know I am not truly invisible but I certainly have been made to feel that way.

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Learning...What am I Learning?

Learn to look to the Cross

I am learning to let go and let God.
I am learning that even though I am angry I have to let go.
That does not mean that I cannot use my anger for something good.
I am learning that I am not alone in this journey of life, I was put here to work as a guide for other who need assistance in walking a path they find difficult. But most importantly my Lord and SAVIOR is walking my journey with me. Matthew 28:20 "...I am with you always, to the end of the age." I am never alone.
The last few days I have been hurting emotionally and literally cried myself to sleep. I was hurt that I can ask for help from others and feel that my request has fallen on deaf ears. What I failed to do was take my request to my Lord. I failed to remember that He said "Ask and you shall receive" Matthew 7:7. I have to remember that God's will is done in God's time. So while I may have set goals for myself and the growth in my business I have to be patient, I have to have faith that God has a plan for me. I have to remember that in time when it is right God will provide. So for now I will focus on finishing up my research paper, fighting to pass algebra class, and learning to remember to have faith even if it is is the size of a mustard seed it is still faith (Matthew 17:20).

My heart hurts

This is plain and simple an emotional rant. 

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I am struggling something terrible right now with all the hurt in my heart. I am building a business and it's no picnic. I, over the last several years, have promoted, referred, supported, encouraged many other people some family, some friends, some are others I have done business with and felt I should help them out. Well hell, here I am asking for a little assistance in getting the word out on my own business. I have NOT begged any one to enroll, purchase anything, or give me money.  I have been sharing and promoting myself for a short time, and sadly I can see who is helping. Social media is a heartbreaking bitch. There is no lying about whether you are or are not helping out when the platform sends notifications after a person "likes" "1+" "re-tweets" whatever platform the person gets notifications.

I have noticed that it is only when I make a comment (post) about being frustrated, sad, upset, or whatever all of sudden I get text messages, private messages, emails, etc apologizing or asking if it was the sender that is the issue. My advice to those that do question if the post is about them:  if you have that big of a guilty conscience check yourself in the mirror. Take a real deep look at how you are treating others if you feel the need to question a post.

 All I have ever wanted to do in life is help others, but I never planned on letting so many people take advantage of my helping nature. It's not only this building of a business that hurts. It all the time I have given to other people; who I am emotionally invested in (close family & friends {let's get real acquaintances}). I listen to people complain about their health, I listen to people complain about the relationships, I listen to people complain about their finances. I just want to know who is going to be there to listen when I need an outlet? Why do I see the looks of annoyance on the faces of people I thought cared when I need to vent? Why am I sitting here with tears streaming down my face, as the emotional (yes even physical) ache is in my chest?  I have only requested that you share my page, refer people you know that could benefit from what I do; is that seriously too much to ask? Is it really too much to ask for you to even allow me to practice my presentations with you? Is it so hard to reply to text messages, instant messages even if you tell me "No" I am not going to be hurt or mad. I just want to know that you gave me an honest answer. I just want to know that you value me enough as a person to give me a response. Even when I send messages that are personal non-business related I still very much ignored.

I am incredibly hurt right now I want to give family, friends, acquaintances, and the rest of the world the bird. I want to walk away and never help another person. I know it is not suppose to be a walk in the park, I know there is going to be disappointment, but I never saw this much heartache coming my way.     I, also, know that when I do get going in my future career it will be a little easier because I won't be so personally emotionally invested in my clients.

I guess now that I have wallowed in self-pity there is nothing else to do but to pull the boot straps up and keep going. Keep praying for direction, keep praying for those that need my help to cross my path. Where there is a will there is a way...and I have the will and HE has that way. I have to pray for this ache to vacate my heart and just move on.

No this not a non-stop pity train. I am done; the station is here, and I am getting off this roller coaster of emotions; with a slightly hardened heart.

 I just hope those that read this that know me can see how much they truly can influence the emotions of another person.