Hurtful Relationships

There comes a time in ours lives when we need to take a deep breath and look back. We have to examine our hearts and look into our deeds. We all have done things in the past that haunt us. We all have had things done to us that cause mistrust, and anger. It is this that can cause strife in our current relationships.

When a relationship ends there is usually a great deal of bitterness that comes into the the lives of those who were involved. For example when a marriage fails. The separating partners carry baggage with them into the next relationship. Occasionally this can cause behaviors to change in a positive way and make the new relationships stronger and better. However, most of the time it does just the opposite. It destroys the new relationship, It can, also, damage the relationship with other people that were part of that marriage; children.

In a previous post I spoke about my past. My relationships with my parents suffer because their marriage ended. I cannot have family dinners because there is still anger boiling.  My daughters are getting hurt because of this too. Everybody claims "oh well it's their loss they didn't come to this [fill in the appropriate occasion (birthday party-graduation-concert-ball game)]".

 In all actuality my daughters are getting hurt. I have to explain to them why Papa and Nana both are never at the celebrations. I have to look at my child and apologize for the actions that have happened that I had no part of. I have to sooth the tears. I get to re-live my own hurts and see them in the eyes of my girls.

I was at the book store today and gravitated towards the Christian Section. There was something I needed. I stumbled on this beautiful little book at a bargain price. It is a book of prayers. Prayers for 10 different situations that happen in life. I have meandered through it and have seen so many that fit my day, and so many that fit other people in my life. The opening part of the book speaks about the prayers listed and how they are to help you begin to draft you own prayers.

 From my heart:

Dear Lord,
I so want to find a way to have a relationship with my parents. Father, although you see their way of approaching a relationship is highly dysfunctional. I cannot help but love them both. By your grace Lord, Yours alone, I was brought to life by these two people.
I just don't know how to navigate being around them when their hurts, habits, and hang-ups are constantly wreaking havoc.
Do I stay away?
Do I continue to try?
Do I confront, again and again?
Lord, I do not know what to do, but You do. God, please grant me wisdom; help me listen to your guidance and follow Your ways. Even if this path hurts more, Lord, I know you will always be there. I know there will be a reason for the pain I have endured and the pain that is to come.
Lord, please help me be a comfort to my hurting daughters as they are caught in the midst of this battle of anger and hurt. Lord I ask these plights in Your name. Amen.

Commit your way to the Lord                           Hatred stirs up strife                    Do not hasten in your
Trust also in Him,                                              But Love covers all sins.             spirit to be angry,
and He shall bring it to pass                               Proverbs 10:12                            For anger rests in
Psalm 37:5                                                                                                              in the heart of fools
                                                                                                                                Ecclesiastes 7:9

I kept my anger from doing this!

The section was very fitting for my moment of pure rage today at the dealership. I, actually, had to remove myself from the service department and collect my emotions. I was so livid I was shaking. Not long ago I got a daily verse on my phone, and it immediately popped into my mind.  "Set a Guard, O Lord over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips"--Psalms 141:3 Right here on the service guys desk is this little pamphlet titled "Keep your Cool!"  It may not mean much to others but it was a reminder to control my anger...and as I was storming out to my car, that is still broken, God spoke lightly and calmed my anger. Even though those little signs may not mean much to others, some of us take it as a word from above.  I was blessed that the issue presented itself while my car was still sitting in the service departments parking lot and not while I was cruising down the road at 65 miles an hour. God is good!



It is not because I want to stir up trouble that I lay my hurts, and thoughts out like this. I know that I am not alone in having to deal with these struggles. There are families everywhere that deal with issues similar. If I touch just one person's life and help them gain footing again then my work is for nothing. If I touch one heart and help them learn to Love and Lean on God...then I have succeeded.

Young People and Dating

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What is it with today's youth, bouncing from boy/girl saying they are dating? Do they not understand that you have to be mature, responsible, respectful, and honest to be in a relationship? If they are lying to their parents, hiding it from the public's eye, or keeping it a secret from their siblings is it really dating?

There are so many emotions that get tied up in the dating scene. Today's youth throw the word LOVE around like it doesn't mean anything. I love your shirt. I love your hair. They do not understand what the true meaning of love is. How can they say "I love you" to a person they are dating if they do not understand the real meaning?

Love according to a Google-definition search:

love

ləv/

noun

1. 1.

   an intense feeling of deep affection.

   "babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"

   synonyms:

   deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment,endearment; More
2. 2.

   a person or thing that one loves.

   "she was the love of his life"

   synonyms:

   beloved, loved one, love of one's life, dear, dearest, dear one, darling,sweetheart, sweet, angel, honey; More

verb

1. 1.

   feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

   "do you love me?"

   synonyms:

   care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be devoted to, dote on, idolize, worship

I feel that most youth are getting Love confused with Lust.



Google definition search for Lust

lust

ləst/

noun

1. 1.

   very strong sexual desire.

   "he knew that his lust for her had returned"

   synonyms:

   sexual desire, sexual appetite, sexual longing, ardor, desire, passion;More

verb

1. 1.

   have a very strong sexual desire for someone.

   "he really lusted after me in those days"

   synonyms:

   desire, be consumed with desire for, find sexually attractive, crave,covet, ache for, burn for

 Being in a serious dating relationship is not simple. It is complex. It can be extremely emotional (happy, sad, exciting, depressing, hurtful). I do not think that teenagers understand this, and certainly a child at the age of 12 cannot possible grasp this concept. Serious relationships are hard work.

 I understand if they like or feel attracted to a person whether it be the opposite or same sex. I understand they could want to explore what it is like to be with that person in a relationship that is more then a friendship. What I do not understand is at the age of 12 how can they say they are dating? They can't drive. They don't have a job to pay for the expenses of dating. Do they really know what dating is? I do not believe that dating is sitting at lunch holding hands, or ignoring each other in the hallways at school.

I know that dating is part of growing up. I do not understand why teenagers or preteens feel the need to find a part of their identity in somebody else. I was a teenager who fell in love young, I got married when I was 17 for Pete's sake. I, also, got divorced in my early 20s.

At what age should dating be acceptable? I think 14 is acceptable, but I also think that all dates should be chaperoned or group dates until both people have drivers license. I do not think that the age  of 12 is acceptable. I do not think that a child at that age is mature enough mentally and emotionally to handle a romantic relationship. I do not think a child who is not responsible for little things is ready for the responsibility of a relationship or the complexity of dating.

How a person can say they are dating somebody but they don't even know what their favorite food is, or their favorite movie, or their favorite anything because they simply follow the crowd.  In my opinion a person should know their own inner being before they can assume they know enough to be connected to another person intimately.

What happens if a 12 year old claims to be dating, starts exploring such as hand holding, kissing, and then gets into a situation they are not mentally or emotionally ready to handle? What if they go too far and can't get the situation back under control? What if they want to stop but are continually urged and pressured to go farther? Do youth truly understand the dangers?

I welcome comments to further the discussion on youth and dating. What standards do other parents put into place? What rules do you have for your children?

What's a parent?

This is a post I have wrestled with for a while. Sitting in my back office as a draft. It's time, I am so lost.


I live a life that is different than others. My husband is 14 years older than me; and has 4 children from his first marriage. I have two from my first marriage. We have 6 kids. SIX kids! Ages 25 (boy, the only boy), 22, 19, 12.5, 12, 9 (all girls, that's a lot of estrogen and attitude). There are grand children even; three boys 5, 3, 1 and a girl 3 months.

Here I am lost. Where do I fit? I know my children, my girls 12.5 and 9. I know where I fall with them, I am MOM. Where do I fall with the other 8 young souls? What role am I?

I am so vitally confused. There are days I feel like mom. Days I feel like a very distant friend who is only there for babysitting and the such. There are days I feel like the enemy, the evil one who took away their dad. There are days I feel like have had a very positive impact and then there are days I feel like I failed so miserably. These are most days. Days I feel that hatred dripping off the ceiling and sliding down the walls in my home.

The little boys don't know me. It was just until just a couple weeks ago that the 5 year old learned my name. That is because I babysit another little boy who is the same age and in the same grade. He calls me Miss Sarah.

Google image search

I don't know what role I play? I am not grandma they have two already. I am not an aunt, I am not a friend, I am lost.

Where do I fit with the little ones' moms? What am I?

There was once a time when the 19 year old called me mom, we were good friends...then high school, then bad influential friends came....I became the enemy.  I am not sure where I stand any more.

The oldest girl she has always hated me. Hated me to the point that she never came around and missed out on so much with her dad. I still feel very disliked. I feel tolerated.

Most days I want to crawl under the bed and hate.

 The now 12 year old  refers to me as "My mom" when at school...I guess I am mom...but not to people outside of school there is that very big differentiation made. This week I am mean. I am mean because I treat her the same as my two girls. Everybody has chores, everybody has to keep their grades at a c or above. I treat them all equal. Am I mean?

 I am lost. I am hurting. I feel judged for going with my gut instincts when trying to have a positive influence on children I did not give birth to.

 The 25 year old boy. Now that is interesting, only 7 year difference between him and I. I am referred to in contents as my parents when he is asked where he is located. However, when introducing me I am step mom. Where do I fit?

How do you raise children who are not your own? Who make sure you know they are not your children biologically speaking. My feelings get hurt all the same, maybe more.  I love them, oh I love them so very much.

Do I keep fighting or do I give in and let go. I know I am not their mother, I don't want to take that position. I just want to know where I stand. 

God says "Love all men" "Children obey your father's instructions, don't reject your mother's teaching"  Step parenting is in the Bible. It's not labeled as such. But even Jesus had a Step-Dad. 

Prayer....Forgiveness...Hurts...Circles...Hope

What does it mean to forgive somebody for the pain they have caused? What does it take to forgive? Does it magically make the hurts go away because you say you forgive them?

 I was attending a regular college online and within the first six months of starting my courses I felt a pull towards something more; I just could not quite grasp what.

 I felt an inner voice telling me I needed something I wasn't getting; this something was soul food.

 I opened my email one day and there was an invitation from Liberty University. I can not tell you how many college emails I had simply deleted from my inbox without a second thought...but this one...this one had me pause. I opened it and it was a Christian college.

This was what that pull was.

 I began making phone calls and gathered all the necessary paper work and information. Waiting to know if I was going to be accepted...waiting to find out if my credits would transfer.

I got accepted.

Great, now what? A college the teaches on biblical standards and integrates faith in to all lessons; what am I going to do with that?!

Three years later I am in my senior year of my Bachelors degree. Three years later I have been on a roller coaster of emotions I thought I long ago abandoned.

Over the course of the last three years I have been in a circle of forgiveness. Some have been easy transgression to forgive...others I just wasn't ready and they always come back again.

I want to point out the what so many people have titled "The Lord's Prayer"

Our Father in heaven,
Your name be honored as holy.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
on Earth as it is heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
[For YOURS is the kingdom,
    and the power
and the glory forever. Amen]
  Matthew 6:9-13 (HCSB)

FORGIVENESS- I am going to continue on to the next two verses that follow that prayer
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing."

That is a lot to swallow. Pretty much my salvation is hinging on my ability to forgive those who have done me wrong. I have been hurt, lied to, beat, and abused. My heart is full of hurt that has been masked as anger for a very long time. My heart feels so abandoned by many people that roam this planet. If my inability to forgive is going to keep me out of my Father's presence I want to forgive each and every person that has done me wrong. I wish it were that easy.

That is where my education has come in to play. It was in the middle of my lessons through Christian counseling that I began the road to forgiveness.  That is where God pulled me in and held me tight and said to my heart:
 "Dear Child they are just earthly beings, it is my love that is enduring, it is my love that you need. My Dear child I will hold you close as you walk this life and walk through again the hurts that others have given your heart. My dear child I love you so much I want you to feel that love. My dear child it is OK to forgive."                                                   Casting Crowns-Just Another Birthday<<<Click the link
 Some hurts have been easier to forgive then other. As I forgive some hurts more begin to bubble to the surface I long ago tried to block away. The more I embrace forgiveness the more I hear God speaking to my heart. The more I am open to His love the easier those horrible hurts are getting to forgive.

So many people pray the Lord's Prayer at funerals or other faith based gatherings; but it makes me wonder if they really mean it? Do they really understand what it is they are asking for?  So many people are holding on to hurts and refuse to forgive those who have done them wrong but yet they feel they are entitled to be forgiven.  The old quote I have heard time and time again "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" You know in all actuality that poison is just going to kill you and keep you from having a life in the presence of our Lord and Savior; learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not for the wrong doer but for your own heart, over all health, and forgiveness from

Google image search

God.
We are all humans, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I am not free of sin myself. I am a very big sinner, and I recognized that in myself; but I try everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday. I can only hope that those who I hurt forgive me; just as I am beginning to forgive them for the hurts they caused me.




   

When does the testing end?

In my post about coming down from the extreme stress I mentioned that the last big hurdle, or so I thought, was my brother's hand surgery.

Well life had other plans.

 The surgery was a great success the hand is healing well, except now he has pneumonia. I was ok with that I know it's highly treatable. What I am not ok with is that the hospital he is at did not pay attention to his medical history and gave him FOUR bag of intravenous antibiotics that he is ALLERGIC to and on bag number four he had an aliphatic reactions and stopped breathing.  That phone call was heartbeat skipping. 

It filled me with fear, dread, and worry. 

I. Could. Have. Lost. My. Brother.

Google Image Search

All because the medical staff were negligent. What I cannot wrap my mind around is how can they let something so vitally important slip through the cracks? How could they play with life like that? Not only do they not pay attention to the medical records but the CNA stepped on his IV tube and about pulled it out of his arm. I am sincerely disappointed with the care he is receiving from the medical staff. 

I have an important friend who I text knowing that she will pray for me, the medical teams, and the person in the midst of the medical battle. She is a blogger <---link there.  A faith filled person who in the middle of her own life struggles takes the time to pray for others, to send heartwarming messages via email, text, and thoughts. She sent me a message yesterday, a reminder that God will help (Isaiah 41:13). It was the message I needed at the time I was struggling. 

I have felt lately that I am about to my breaking point that moment when life feels too stressful to deal with. I get a daily verse on my phone a gentle reminder that God is always near. A verse that makes me stop in the moment and let it sink in deep, deep into my heart to feed my soul with the love that is showered on me from my Heavenly Father. Here is the Link  to that app from Google Play if you are interested in having your own thought provoking verses delivered daily to your mobile device. 

One must remember that we are not alone here. We have God on our right side helping us through the paths of life. It makes me think about the footsteps in the sand poem. It was then that I carried you. 

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