Communication...what's that?

As a previous post mentioned I deactivated Facebook. I am out of the loop of the happenings of the world. The school staff forget to send home notes to notify parents of changes in sport schedules because they posted it on Facebook. Family post news on Facebook but forget to tell everybody else. I am deeply saddened by the fact that so many people rely on Social Media to spread the good, the bad, and the indifferent news.

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What happened to picking up the phone?

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What happened to penning a letter? 

Here's what happened when I deactivated:

 Nobody noticed for over a week.

Some didn't notice for three weeks.

Some still haven't noticed.

When I am asked why did you deactivate?  My response:

I want real life, face to face interactions with those I love and care for.

I want to have dinner with my friends. I want to see my family in person. I want to go to bbq's and birthday parties. I want to talk on the phone and hear the good news with the excitement in the person's voice. I want to know that there is more to life then the screen in front of me.

What's my next adventure?  Calling people instead of just texting them. I want to bring back personal relationships in my life.

Here's what I have observed with text messaging:

People feel they can ignore the message as if they never received it.
People get mixed up about the tone behind the message and may misinterpret the meaning. We forget that sarcasm does not translate into text (face expressions, and body language are missing).
Messages get lost in cyberspace and there is a delay in delivering. Cell phones malfunctions. People hide behind the screen and say things they may never say face to face. There is a total disregard to feelings and thoughts when the speaker/text sender does not have to see the facial expressions of the hurt feelings.

Human interactions is a dying way of life.

So, so, sleepy...

It could be the weather or it could be that my body is finally coming down from the high stress level of the last couple weeks.

Exhaustion -link to source

Both men who were having cardiac procedures are home and on the mend. My niece who for whatever reason was lethargic and unresponsive is showing no lasting effects; that I am aware of. The baby who got burned on his feet and flew to Denver Children's is home and healing. The investigation of the accident is coming to a close. The last big hurdle is my brother who smashed his hand and now requires surgery.

 My home is kid free today, no extra children to attend to, I can finally process everything my mind and heart has gone through.

So much hurt, fear, and anxiety. 

I knew that stress was brutal on the body. Mine manifests itself in the form of debilitating stomach aches that makes me wish I was in labor with a baby instead withering on the bed in agony. Amazingly enough I only had a couple minor anxiety attacks; I am learning to control and cope with stress better.

I sent out an abundance of prayer requests which resulted in myself, my family, and each individual person who was in the medical situation raised in intercessory prayer by an army of faithful men and women. I truly believe that all of this was a test. A test of faith and grace.

 Not once did my God let evil win.

You see in the New Testament alone anxiety is mentioned over 20 times. Matthew 6:25 as an example. We are not to worry but give everything to God. As difficult as that is to do, it is needed. I knew there was nothing I could physically do in this last few weeks that would change the outcome for any person in the midst of their medical situation. All I could do was request God to guide the hands of the medical staff and to strengthen the person in the middle of the situation to heal. Leaning on faith is hard.

Matthew 17:20--Link to source

 I am still learning to have Faith.

Presence is a present....

I have watched many different gathering over the course of the last few months. My observations are that even though we are physically present at a function doesn't mean that our mind is present. Going out to dinner with my husband has been interesting; usually involves him playing solitaire on his phone.  I will not claim innocence with this negative behavior, but I noticed I was checking Facebook or playing jewel mania more then I was having a conversation with my family.That's when I made a choice to stop. I want to be present for the meal, I want to be present for the conversations.

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   I                                      

       put                                     

          my                                   

              cellphone                                         

                   down.

Look around you the next time you are out dinning with family or friends, maybe you too are guilty, how many people are grossly involved with their phones? How many are texting, or checking a social media platform, email, or reading blogs? 

What happened to human interactions? What happened to giving others the gift of your presences when at a social gathering? I sat at the table in my kitchen this last weekend and watched...more often than not somebody has a cell phone in front of them that they were using in some manner. Conversations were very little.

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No matter what function be there, be present, make a point to be part of it no matter what. Put the phone away.

Yesterday is gone, 

tomorrow is not guaranteed,

once this moment is gone

it's gone that is why today is called the

present...it's a gift from God.  

Words are an empty vessel

Source: We heart it

I can tell this is going to be a sleepless night. My mind is racing and my heart it pounding. This message is tumbling through my mind; demanding to be heard.

Our Words are Just Words; 

WE NEED ACTIONS!

We can tell a person we love them. We can tell others that we will be there to help them but without actually showing them through our actions; the words are just empty. Empty vessels of letters strung together that mean nothing more then their shapes.

It is the actions that we do following the words we speak that lets people know if we are sincere or not. No matter the hurts that have been caused in the past we have to show the world we are better then that. We have to prove that we not only talk the talk but we walk the walk as well.

When you tell somebody you love them, not only a romantic love but a platonic love, or a parental love show them. Make sure they know it by the way you behave towards and around them.

Source: tumblr

Even in moments of tension and bad company we have to raise above ourselves (if needed) to show our love.

THIS HORRID LESSON I AM LEARNING RIGHT NOW. 

I have been so nasty lately. So angry at my own pains I didn't care who I hurt in the midst of it. There is a quote that goes something like this

 "Hurting people hurt people"  

I can't tell you how true that statement is, or even the origins. When we allow the hurts to accumulate within we  act in a way towards other people (not always on purpose) that hurts them. Ignoring invitations, dodging phone calls, skipping messages, not attending celebrations, HURTFUL words. All negative actions that display the negative feelings from inside.

Do not just say you love a person out of habit, prove to them that you love them by your actions.

Do not let the sun go down....

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Anger

I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, but that sun set twenty plus years ago. 

I am the child of a broke home. A marriage that ended in great bitterness, anger, sadness, and loss. Not only did the marriage end but the family...my family... was tore apart. 

My dad is still very angry and no matter how many times he is reminded about this he still just says it's not going to happen. Tomorrow he goes in for bypass surgery; could the last words I have said to him be "Someday you will have to get over your selfishness!!" in a fit of anger? Could me reaching out and asking him to read Ephesians 4:25-32 been the last chance for him and his reply have been "Not going to happen."  There are so many what ifs? How comes? What fors? I made my choice to not attend this medical procedure because of my hurts. I made the choice not to go because I am still angry at him and a few others that will be there as well. I am angry because of all the heartaches they have caused. I know that I should just deal, be the bigger person, and swallow the bitter pill; it's so hard. 

God said "Be angry and do not sin." Does the guarding of my heart constitute sin? Does not wanting to put myself in a position for anguish mean I am sinning? Does not forgiving the people who have hurt

Source:
fessicsfavorites.wordpress.com

me mean I am sinning? According to Luke 17:3-4 I am suppose to forgive repeat offenses. Again, I am confused. I know that this life is not going to be easy. 

I am angry with my brother and his wife\fiance\baby-mama for always dumping their problems on me and when I am set to have an adult conversation I was told "We don't need your help." After working extra hard to ensure that my schedule was cleared so I could go help them work through whatever issues they had to make their relationship stronger,but at the last minute was told we don't need you. I guess I felt...still feel...I deserved an apology. This just makes the anger seethe inside. I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, and I am not suppose to let that anger turn to sin. Have I? Is avoiding them sin? 

I am so confused. 

Protecting my heart from hurts, but at what cost? Does building up wall around my heart mean I am sinning? I guess I am. The lesson in Luke 6:27-36 Oh what a hard, hard lesson. 

Source: www.sunnyshell.org

I love my father and his wife, my grandma, and my brother and his wife/fiance/baby-mama and kid.I just do not love the hurts in my heart. 

Presence

Fork in the Road

It truly is the little things in life that matter. Celebrating the little battles won, college algebra as an example. We hosted a Potluck BBQ and those that attended really make my heart smile. They were here to celebrate a triumphant feat that cause loads of anxiety and tears. Stood behind me the entire way encouraging and helping the best they could. Then there were those that simply ignored the invitation, text messages, or said the might attend (each maybe is always a solid no without saying "no"). Those that have conditional love. Those that constantly refuse to celebrate the good.

I have come face to face with a fork in the road. One path leads to heartache the other path to loneliness. What way do I go?

Do I go down the path of heartache and continue to care for the people who don't reciprocate the care back, always taking for themselves but never giving?

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Do I go down the path that leaves all behind and make a life only with those who do not make me feel inadequate?

I have so much chaos in my mind and heart that I am at a loss of what direction I am suppose to go. God never said that life will be easy, He just said that life would be worth it.

I need to still the muddy thoughts, and turmoil deep inside and try to hear the voice of God.

What lesson am I learning?

I am learning that I should not work for conditional love. There are many people that I have an Earthly relationship with that make me feel I am not good enough. I quit, I am not going to attempt to "earn" love from anybody.  I deserve unconditional love. My God gives me that, no matter how many mistakes I make, no matter how many times I repeat the same mistake, God doesn't hold that against me. He makes me feel wanted.

I have to trust in HIM.

Rushing to Wait...Sliding into Oblivion

Photocredit: taglov.com

Today's fast paced world where everybody is rushing to wait. Speed up between stop lights only to get stuck at the next red light. Hurry to pass the cars in front of you only to get slowed down in the construction too.


I am sitting here in my little space at home watching the rain drip off the eaves of the house and the cars jetting past on the highway wondering when, why, and how I too got caught up in the rush of life? When did I stop noticing all the purple alfalfa flowers growing in the neighbors lots? How did I not see how fast my kids are growing and maturing? Why am I letting myself feel so rushed to finish my meals, with limited savoring? When was the last time I laid down in grass and tried to discover shapes in the clouds? A favor pastime I had as child but have never experienced with my children. Life is not about getting to the finish line first, but life is about enjoyment of what God has made and giving glory and thanks to Him for it.

Life is not about wasting away trying to impress those around us. Seriously they aren't paying attention anyways because they too are rushing around trying to impress others. Life should be enjoying the time of those we are blessed to know, and not trying so hard to be liked.

I deactivated FACEBOOK (gasp...loud awkward silences...sighs of denial) and it has take over a week for anybody to realize I am not there. I no longer am liking their status updates, or commenting on their pictures. I am not longer just an instant message away. The people in their own little worlds hoping for likes and comments don't even realize when somebody slips away. People are so wrapped up in their own worlds they don't see the hurting people around them. I am fine with the fact that no one has noticed I missing from facebook I have come to realize, as you know in a previous post, that I am loved. I am cherished by my husband, children, and a friend or two. Those are the ones that important they make me feel important to them and that is what matters.

I realized the time had come that I was referencing so many posts or was no longer surprised at news that others thought was important or exciting because I seen it on facebook.  I know longer get together with my friends because we do not have any news to share in person with each other because we are blasting everything on facebook. What happened to going out and meeting somebody for coffee/tea/soda/icecream/ice water or a walk in the park? What happened to dialing a phone number and having a conversation with another person hearing the tone of their voice, or intake of breath as they are waiting to excitedly tell you news? Where did the family/friends bar-b-ques go where everybody gets together and enjoys the company of others?

Why are so many relationships only kept together via social media?  Well I am ending the pain of disappointment and lack of personal relationships. I am not going to rely on facebook to tell me what is going in the lives of those who think they are friends. I want more. I want to meet others, and see their faces. I want to annoy the service staff at restaurants because we are enjoying our food and the company that made the meal possible. I want real life friendships.

What about all the events that are only planned through facebook events?

 What about the invites to such things, if I don't have a facebook account how am I going to know?. If my presences is truly desired please feel free to pick up the phone and give me a ring. 

Ahh HA moment...

Even a pure fiction novel made into a movie can affect the heart.  I read the novel "The Fault in Our Stars" loved the book,  enjoyed the characters didn't think much more about it.  Until I went to the theater to see it in the big screen.

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 That's when it hit home right square in the heart.

Spoiler alert:

When Augustus Waters is on the final days of his life he and Hazel are out at the bones park. Gus is sad because he doesn't believe he is going to leave a legacy behind. It's at this moment  Hazel tells him he is wrong, she loves him, his family loves him, and if he thinks that isn't important than he basically doesn't get it.

I FINALLY Got "IT"

It was at this moment, as I'm sitting next to my husband, I got it. As sad as I was when I felt like I had no friends it doesn't matter. My kids love me, and my husband adores me. I really don't need much more than that. I have a few friends that are truly friends. We may not live in the same town but I get the random comments of encouragement,  and the occasional pin sent to me that reminds me they are truly in my corner.

I may not have a scores of buddies to go hang out with, but I have those few that mean the world to me. I have seen even my family turn and high tail it way while I was in the midst of my inner battle of loneliness. Haven't spoke to a few for over a month, those few who gave up and walked away when I was at my worse, those few who showed who they really are.

How can I not be anxious?

I'm so conflicted these days.

My faith is being tested at every turn.

source:

http://www.hacmn.org/tag/chang-trial-tribulation-test/

I'm tired.

I'm worried.  

                 Mostly I'm scared.  

Scared of the unknown,  how's my life going to be changed in the near future;  good or bad?

I know two men who are going in for cardiac procedures this coming week. Two incredibly wise men whose presences in the lives of their family is highly important.  Two men who are fathers,  grandfathers,  mostly husbands.  

God knows who they are if you'll pray for them.

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One in particular is vital to me; I am petrified. Fear of the unknown is paralyzing, evil creeps in filling my mind with thoughts of what if...

I have to step forward on the landing of faith, and remain there. I have to stop second guessing my Father and know that He is there I have to trust in Him.

Faith is a pillow to rest my weary head. Sinking into fear is the easy part. It is leaning on my faith that is hard. I am stuck on the corner of Faith and Fear fighting to go towards Faith with Fear pulling me back in.