Magic Mike...50 Shades.... think about it!

I have noticed on Facebook

...yep I went back, but I have a yearning to go away again....

there is a sequel coming out for a movie that a lot of women are overjoyed to go to the theater to watch. There is another movie that is be released this month based off a very popular book trilogy.

Both these films and book series have a similar theme. 

LUST...there I said it. 

Am I guilt of reading the book trilogy? Yes, I sure am.

But what drew me into the series?

I can say it is the excitement of the dramatic adventure of a relationship that seems to have been doomed from the beginning. I can say it was for "ideas" of how to make my personal life better.

  Would these be true? I don't think so. Sure they spiced my drive temporarily, but they actual pulled me away from the relationship with my husband. 

This placed an unattainable ideal in my mind and heart that our relationship was not right. We weren't spicy enough, we do not go out much, we are just a mundane average boring couple. I would stay up late to read the books, I would be tired all day, but I would stay up late again, and again, again. It was a cycle of being tired but wanting to know to what was going to happen next...slightly borderline addiction. Good things the series was only 3 books!

My life with my husband is amazing. He makes the mundane fun, he knows just how to kiss my forehead when I need it most, or touch my arm in a lovely way that only he can do.  I never knew I could love a man as deeply and wholly as I do with him. My husband goes away for work and I am lost...I have to sleep in a cold bed, in silence...even his breathing is a comfort to me and when I don't hear it my heart aches.

What has this got to do with a movie or book series? Well reading this book series was just as bad as watching porn. The only difference was I had the movie playing in my mind not on a screen. I let these characters into my life, I even created their physical body's with my minds eye.

This series lead me into temptation:

Cravings: for things I didn't need...I craved for a life that wasn't mine...a life that is immoral
Lust of the eyes:  it may have been my mind's eye but I lusted for the physical body of the character I created.

Is this the wholesome Godly life I am suppose to live? No, reading these types of books is not any different then watching pornography on the television, computer monitor, or the big screen at a theater.

What example was a I setting to my daughters? They saw me sitting there is the book in my hand, they could read the title. Guess what as they grow up they can do research and find out just what kind of reading materials it truly was they saw mom (me) reading.

I have never asked my husband what he thought about those books. Like I said it spiced my drive, if only temporarily. Why would I want to allow another male figure into our bedroom, even if it was a fantasy figure made up in a book series brought to life in my own lustful mind? Is that not committing adultery? How can I say to my husband, I do not want you to look at magazines with nude women or watch videos, if I (in my own mind) am doing just that? That was not fair to place that double standard on him. I feel ashamed of that, how hypocritical of me!

Is this the type of material I would want my Savior to see in my house if He were to knock on my door tonight? NO! I look back and I am deeply saddened by my actions, I am regretful. With prayer, and faith I will attempt to not be led into this temptation any farther.


1 John 2:15-17 (HCSB)
^15 Do not love the world or the things in that belong to the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. ^16 For everything that belongs to the world--the lust of flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one's lifestyle--is not from the Father, but is from the world. ^17 And the world with its lust is passing away, but the one who does God's will remains forever.

Matthew 5:27-28 ^ 27 You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. ^27 But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Ladies does this not apply to us as well?
1 Corinthians 10:23 Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful.

Just because we can doesn't mean we should read or watch such shows.

Hurtful Relationships

There comes a time in ours lives when we need to take a deep breath and look back. We have to examine our hearts and look into our deeds. We all have done things in the past that haunt us. We all have had things done to us that cause mistrust, and anger. It is this that can cause strife in our current relationships.

When a relationship ends there is usually a great deal of bitterness that comes into the the lives of those who were involved. For example when a marriage fails. The separating partners carry baggage with them into the next relationship. Occasionally this can cause behaviors to change in a positive way and make the new relationships stronger and better. However, most of the time it does just the opposite. It destroys the new relationship, It can, also, damage the relationship with other people that were part of that marriage; children.

In a previous post I spoke about my past. My relationships with my parents suffer because their marriage ended. I cannot have family dinners because there is still anger boiling.  My daughters are getting hurt because of this too. Everybody claims "oh well it's their loss they didn't come to this [fill in the appropriate occasion (birthday party-graduation-concert-ball game)]".

 In all actuality my daughters are getting hurt. I have to explain to them why Papa and Nana both are never at the celebrations. I have to look at my child and apologize for the actions that have happened that I had no part of. I have to sooth the tears. I get to re-live my own hurts and see them in the eyes of my girls.

I was at the book store today and gravitated towards the Christian Section. There was something I needed. I stumbled on this beautiful little book at a bargain price. It is a book of prayers. Prayers for 10 different situations that happen in life. I have meandered through it and have seen so many that fit my day, and so many that fit other people in my life. The opening part of the book speaks about the prayers listed and how they are to help you begin to draft you own prayers.

 From my heart:

Dear Lord,
I so want to find a way to have a relationship with my parents. Father, although you see their way of approaching a relationship is highly dysfunctional. I cannot help but love them both. By your grace Lord, Yours alone, I was brought to life by these two people.
I just don't know how to navigate being around them when their hurts, habits, and hang-ups are constantly wreaking havoc.
Do I stay away?
Do I continue to try?
Do I confront, again and again?
Lord, I do not know what to do, but You do. God, please grant me wisdom; help me listen to your guidance and follow Your ways. Even if this path hurts more, Lord, I know you will always be there. I know there will be a reason for the pain I have endured and the pain that is to come.
Lord, please help me be a comfort to my hurting daughters as they are caught in the midst of this battle of anger and hurt. Lord I ask these plights in Your name. Amen.

Commit your way to the Lord                           Hatred stirs up strife                    Do not hasten in your
Trust also in Him,                                              But Love covers all sins.             spirit to be angry,
and He shall bring it to pass                               Proverbs 10:12                            For anger rests in
Psalm 37:5                                                                                                              in the heart of fools
                                                                                                                                Ecclesiastes 7:9

I kept my anger from doing this!

The section was very fitting for my moment of pure rage today at the dealership. I, actually, had to remove myself from the service department and collect my emotions. I was so livid I was shaking. Not long ago I got a daily verse on my phone, and it immediately popped into my mind.  "Set a Guard, O Lord over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips"--Psalms 141:3 Right here on the service guys desk is this little pamphlet titled "Keep your Cool!"  It may not mean much to others but it was a reminder to control my anger...and as I was storming out to my car, that is still broken, God spoke lightly and calmed my anger. Even though those little signs may not mean much to others, some of us take it as a word from above.  I was blessed that the issue presented itself while my car was still sitting in the service departments parking lot and not while I was cruising down the road at 65 miles an hour. God is good!



It is not because I want to stir up trouble that I lay my hurts, and thoughts out like this. I know that I am not alone in having to deal with these struggles. There are families everywhere that deal with issues similar. If I touch just one person's life and help them gain footing again then my work is for nothing. If I touch one heart and help them learn to Love and Lean on God...then I have succeeded.

What's a parent?

This is a post I have wrestled with for a while. Sitting in my back office as a draft. It's time, I am so lost.


I live a life that is different than others. My husband is 14 years older than me; and has 4 children from his first marriage. I have two from my first marriage. We have 6 kids. SIX kids! Ages 25 (boy, the only boy), 22, 19, 12.5, 12, 9 (all girls, that's a lot of estrogen and attitude). There are grand children even; three boys 5, 3, 1 and a girl 3 months.

Here I am lost. Where do I fit? I know my children, my girls 12.5 and 9. I know where I fall with them, I am MOM. Where do I fall with the other 8 young souls? What role am I?

I am so vitally confused. There are days I feel like mom. Days I feel like a very distant friend who is only there for babysitting and the such. There are days I feel like the enemy, the evil one who took away their dad. There are days I feel like have had a very positive impact and then there are days I feel like I failed so miserably. These are most days. Days I feel that hatred dripping off the ceiling and sliding down the walls in my home.

The little boys don't know me. It was just until just a couple weeks ago that the 5 year old learned my name. That is because I babysit another little boy who is the same age and in the same grade. He calls me Miss Sarah.

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I don't know what role I play? I am not grandma they have two already. I am not an aunt, I am not a friend, I am lost.

Where do I fit with the little ones' moms? What am I?

There was once a time when the 19 year old called me mom, we were good friends...then high school, then bad influential friends came....I became the enemy.  I am not sure where I stand any more.

The oldest girl she has always hated me. Hated me to the point that she never came around and missed out on so much with her dad. I still feel very disliked. I feel tolerated.

Most days I want to crawl under the bed and hate.

 The now 12 year old  refers to me as "My mom" when at school...I guess I am mom...but not to people outside of school there is that very big differentiation made. This week I am mean. I am mean because I treat her the same as my two girls. Everybody has chores, everybody has to keep their grades at a c or above. I treat them all equal. Am I mean?

 I am lost. I am hurting. I feel judged for going with my gut instincts when trying to have a positive influence on children I did not give birth to.

 The 25 year old boy. Now that is interesting, only 7 year difference between him and I. I am referred to in contents as my parents when he is asked where he is located. However, when introducing me I am step mom. Where do I fit?

How do you raise children who are not your own? Who make sure you know they are not your children biologically speaking. My feelings get hurt all the same, maybe more.  I love them, oh I love them so very much.

Do I keep fighting or do I give in and let go. I know I am not their mother, I don't want to take that position. I just want to know where I stand. 

God says "Love all men" "Children obey your father's instructions, don't reject your mother's teaching"  Step parenting is in the Bible. It's not labeled as such. But even Jesus had a Step-Dad. 

Do not let the sun go down....

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Anger

I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, but that sun set twenty plus years ago. 

I am the child of a broke home. A marriage that ended in great bitterness, anger, sadness, and loss. Not only did the marriage end but the family...my family... was tore apart. 

My dad is still very angry and no matter how many times he is reminded about this he still just says it's not going to happen. Tomorrow he goes in for bypass surgery; could the last words I have said to him be "Someday you will have to get over your selfishness!!" in a fit of anger? Could me reaching out and asking him to read Ephesians 4:25-32 been the last chance for him and his reply have been "Not going to happen."  There are so many what ifs? How comes? What fors? I made my choice to not attend this medical procedure because of my hurts. I made the choice not to go because I am still angry at him and a few others that will be there as well. I am angry because of all the heartaches they have caused. I know that I should just deal, be the bigger person, and swallow the bitter pill; it's so hard. 

God said "Be angry and do not sin." Does the guarding of my heart constitute sin? Does not wanting to put myself in a position for anguish mean I am sinning? Does not forgiving the people who have hurt

Source:
fessicsfavorites.wordpress.com

me mean I am sinning? According to Luke 17:3-4 I am suppose to forgive repeat offenses. Again, I am confused. I know that this life is not going to be easy. 

I am angry with my brother and his wife\fiance\baby-mama for always dumping their problems on me and when I am set to have an adult conversation I was told "We don't need your help." After working extra hard to ensure that my schedule was cleared so I could go help them work through whatever issues they had to make their relationship stronger,but at the last minute was told we don't need you. I guess I felt...still feel...I deserved an apology. This just makes the anger seethe inside. I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, and I am not suppose to let that anger turn to sin. Have I? Is avoiding them sin? 

I am so confused. 

Protecting my heart from hurts, but at what cost? Does building up wall around my heart mean I am sinning? I guess I am. The lesson in Luke 6:27-36 Oh what a hard, hard lesson. 

Source: www.sunnyshell.org

I love my father and his wife, my grandma, and my brother and his wife/fiance/baby-mama and kid.I just do not love the hurts in my heart. 

Rushing to Wait...Sliding into Oblivion

Photocredit: taglov.com

Today's fast paced world where everybody is rushing to wait. Speed up between stop lights only to get stuck at the next red light. Hurry to pass the cars in front of you only to get slowed down in the construction too.


I am sitting here in my little space at home watching the rain drip off the eaves of the house and the cars jetting past on the highway wondering when, why, and how I too got caught up in the rush of life? When did I stop noticing all the purple alfalfa flowers growing in the neighbors lots? How did I not see how fast my kids are growing and maturing? Why am I letting myself feel so rushed to finish my meals, with limited savoring? When was the last time I laid down in grass and tried to discover shapes in the clouds? A favor pastime I had as child but have never experienced with my children. Life is not about getting to the finish line first, but life is about enjoyment of what God has made and giving glory and thanks to Him for it.

Life is not about wasting away trying to impress those around us. Seriously they aren't paying attention anyways because they too are rushing around trying to impress others. Life should be enjoying the time of those we are blessed to know, and not trying so hard to be liked.

I deactivated FACEBOOK (gasp...loud awkward silences...sighs of denial) and it has take over a week for anybody to realize I am not there. I no longer am liking their status updates, or commenting on their pictures. I am not longer just an instant message away. The people in their own little worlds hoping for likes and comments don't even realize when somebody slips away. People are so wrapped up in their own worlds they don't see the hurting people around them. I am fine with the fact that no one has noticed I missing from facebook I have come to realize, as you know in a previous post, that I am loved. I am cherished by my husband, children, and a friend or two. Those are the ones that important they make me feel important to them and that is what matters.

I realized the time had come that I was referencing so many posts or was no longer surprised at news that others thought was important or exciting because I seen it on facebook.  I know longer get together with my friends because we do not have any news to share in person with each other because we are blasting everything on facebook. What happened to going out and meeting somebody for coffee/tea/soda/icecream/ice water or a walk in the park? What happened to dialing a phone number and having a conversation with another person hearing the tone of their voice, or intake of breath as they are waiting to excitedly tell you news? Where did the family/friends bar-b-ques go where everybody gets together and enjoys the company of others?

Why are so many relationships only kept together via social media?  Well I am ending the pain of disappointment and lack of personal relationships. I am not going to rely on facebook to tell me what is going in the lives of those who think they are friends. I want more. I want to meet others, and see their faces. I want to annoy the service staff at restaurants because we are enjoying our food and the company that made the meal possible. I want real life friendships.

What about all the events that are only planned through facebook events?

 What about the invites to such things, if I don't have a facebook account how am I going to know?. If my presences is truly desired please feel free to pick up the phone and give me a ring. 

I am Invisible

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I have come to the conclusion that I am utterly invisible to all around me; unless they need something.

Sigh

I am going to take refuge knowing that I am not invisible to my God. He knew me before I was born (Ps 139:13) and He has plans for me. He is going to take all this pain, disappointment, and turn it into something good. I only need to have faith, I need to only lean on my God to find rest.

I know I am not truly invisible but I certainly have been made to feel that way.

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My heart hurts

This is plain and simple an emotional rant. 

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I am struggling something terrible right now with all the hurt in my heart. I am building a business and it's no picnic. I, over the last several years, have promoted, referred, supported, encouraged many other people some family, some friends, some are others I have done business with and felt I should help them out. Well hell, here I am asking for a little assistance in getting the word out on my own business. I have NOT begged any one to enroll, purchase anything, or give me money.  I have been sharing and promoting myself for a short time, and sadly I can see who is helping. Social media is a heartbreaking bitch. There is no lying about whether you are or are not helping out when the platform sends notifications after a person "likes" "1+" "re-tweets" whatever platform the person gets notifications.

I have noticed that it is only when I make a comment (post) about being frustrated, sad, upset, or whatever all of sudden I get text messages, private messages, emails, etc apologizing or asking if it was the sender that is the issue. My advice to those that do question if the post is about them:  if you have that big of a guilty conscience check yourself in the mirror. Take a real deep look at how you are treating others if you feel the need to question a post.

 All I have ever wanted to do in life is help others, but I never planned on letting so many people take advantage of my helping nature. It's not only this building of a business that hurts. It all the time I have given to other people; who I am emotionally invested in (close family & friends {let's get real acquaintances}). I listen to people complain about their health, I listen to people complain about the relationships, I listen to people complain about their finances. I just want to know who is going to be there to listen when I need an outlet? Why do I see the looks of annoyance on the faces of people I thought cared when I need to vent? Why am I sitting here with tears streaming down my face, as the emotional (yes even physical) ache is in my chest?  I have only requested that you share my page, refer people you know that could benefit from what I do; is that seriously too much to ask? Is it really too much to ask for you to even allow me to practice my presentations with you? Is it so hard to reply to text messages, instant messages even if you tell me "No" I am not going to be hurt or mad. I just want to know that you gave me an honest answer. I just want to know that you value me enough as a person to give me a response. Even when I send messages that are personal non-business related I still very much ignored.

I am incredibly hurt right now I want to give family, friends, acquaintances, and the rest of the world the bird. I want to walk away and never help another person. I know it is not suppose to be a walk in the park, I know there is going to be disappointment, but I never saw this much heartache coming my way.     I, also, know that when I do get going in my future career it will be a little easier because I won't be so personally emotionally invested in my clients.

I guess now that I have wallowed in self-pity there is nothing else to do but to pull the boot straps up and keep going. Keep praying for direction, keep praying for those that need my help to cross my path. Where there is a will there is a way...and I have the will and HE has that way. I have to pray for this ache to vacate my heart and just move on.

No this not a non-stop pity train. I am done; the station is here, and I am getting off this roller coaster of emotions; with a slightly hardened heart.

 I just hope those that read this that know me can see how much they truly can influence the emotions of another person.