Magic Mike...50 Shades.... think about it!

I have noticed on Facebook

...yep I went back, but I have a yearning to go away again....

there is a sequel coming out for a movie that a lot of women are overjoyed to go to the theater to watch. There is another movie that is be released this month based off a very popular book trilogy.

Both these films and book series have a similar theme. 

LUST...there I said it. 

Am I guilt of reading the book trilogy? Yes, I sure am.

But what drew me into the series?

I can say it is the excitement of the dramatic adventure of a relationship that seems to have been doomed from the beginning. I can say it was for "ideas" of how to make my personal life better.

  Would these be true? I don't think so. Sure they spiced my drive temporarily, but they actual pulled me away from the relationship with my husband. 

This placed an unattainable ideal in my mind and heart that our relationship was not right. We weren't spicy enough, we do not go out much, we are just a mundane average boring couple. I would stay up late to read the books, I would be tired all day, but I would stay up late again, and again, again. It was a cycle of being tired but wanting to know to what was going to happen next...slightly borderline addiction. Good things the series was only 3 books!

My life with my husband is amazing. He makes the mundane fun, he knows just how to kiss my forehead when I need it most, or touch my arm in a lovely way that only he can do.  I never knew I could love a man as deeply and wholly as I do with him. My husband goes away for work and I am lost...I have to sleep in a cold bed, in silence...even his breathing is a comfort to me and when I don't hear it my heart aches.

What has this got to do with a movie or book series? Well reading this book series was just as bad as watching porn. The only difference was I had the movie playing in my mind not on a screen. I let these characters into my life, I even created their physical body's with my minds eye.

This series lead me into temptation:

Cravings: for things I didn't need...I craved for a life that wasn't mine...a life that is immoral
Lust of the eyes:  it may have been my mind's eye but I lusted for the physical body of the character I created.

Is this the wholesome Godly life I am suppose to live? No, reading these types of books is not any different then watching pornography on the television, computer monitor, or the big screen at a theater.

What example was a I setting to my daughters? They saw me sitting there is the book in my hand, they could read the title. Guess what as they grow up they can do research and find out just what kind of reading materials it truly was they saw mom (me) reading.

I have never asked my husband what he thought about those books. Like I said it spiced my drive, if only temporarily. Why would I want to allow another male figure into our bedroom, even if it was a fantasy figure made up in a book series brought to life in my own lustful mind? Is that not committing adultery? How can I say to my husband, I do not want you to look at magazines with nude women or watch videos, if I (in my own mind) am doing just that? That was not fair to place that double standard on him. I feel ashamed of that, how hypocritical of me!

Is this the type of material I would want my Savior to see in my house if He were to knock on my door tonight? NO! I look back and I am deeply saddened by my actions, I am regretful. With prayer, and faith I will attempt to not be led into this temptation any farther.


1 John 2:15-17 (HCSB)
^15 Do not love the world or the things in that belong to the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. ^16 For everything that belongs to the world--the lust of flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one's lifestyle--is not from the Father, but is from the world. ^17 And the world with its lust is passing away, but the one who does God's will remains forever.

Matthew 5:27-28 ^ 27 You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. ^27 But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Ladies does this not apply to us as well?
1 Corinthians 10:23 Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful.

Just because we can doesn't mean we should read or watch such shows.

I'm a stay at home Mom...so what do I do all day?

Today I am pondering what exactly my "job description" entails?

I am a home owner. I am the scrubber, wiper, soaker, gardener, sweeper, and plumper.

I am a wife. I have nutritional intake to ponder, hydration to think about, ensure medical needs get met,  physical comfort to give and enjoy, emotional counselor, partner to help with property chores, encouraging friend, the reminder, and sounding board. I am the accountant, financial planner, and office manager.

I am a mother. I am a nutritionist, encourager, listen, advise giver, disciplinary (rarely thankfully), fight mediator, house keeper, taxi driver, appointment maker and keeper, cheerleader, supporter, hugger, holder, spiritual advisor, tutor, and hair curling braiding tycoon. I am the party planner, organizer, and gift giver.

I am a baby sitter. I ensure safety of other mothers' child(ren) often. Which often includes the same description as mother, but only for kids who are not my own.

I am a friend. I am a listener, confidant, sounding board, encourager, helper, and advise giver.

I am a full time college student. I have text books to read, papers to write, discussion to take part in, assignments to complete, and quizzes to stress over.

I am an aunt, sister, daughter, granddaughter, and cousin. I am a step mother, step daughter, sister in law, and step grandmother.

Mainly I am an unconditional love giving fool.

The next time I wonder if I am even remotely useful I will think about this "Job Description" and see that even though it may not look like much to other people I am a very busy person. I work hard to do what is best for my family, I strive to help others when I can and the best I can.

Hurtful Relationships

There comes a time in ours lives when we need to take a deep breath and look back. We have to examine our hearts and look into our deeds. We all have done things in the past that haunt us. We all have had things done to us that cause mistrust, and anger. It is this that can cause strife in our current relationships.

When a relationship ends there is usually a great deal of bitterness that comes into the the lives of those who were involved. For example when a marriage fails. The separating partners carry baggage with them into the next relationship. Occasionally this can cause behaviors to change in a positive way and make the new relationships stronger and better. However, most of the time it does just the opposite. It destroys the new relationship, It can, also, damage the relationship with other people that were part of that marriage; children.

In a previous post I spoke about my past. My relationships with my parents suffer because their marriage ended. I cannot have family dinners because there is still anger boiling.  My daughters are getting hurt because of this too. Everybody claims "oh well it's their loss they didn't come to this [fill in the appropriate occasion (birthday party-graduation-concert-ball game)]".

 In all actuality my daughters are getting hurt. I have to explain to them why Papa and Nana both are never at the celebrations. I have to look at my child and apologize for the actions that have happened that I had no part of. I have to sooth the tears. I get to re-live my own hurts and see them in the eyes of my girls.

I was at the book store today and gravitated towards the Christian Section. There was something I needed. I stumbled on this beautiful little book at a bargain price. It is a book of prayers. Prayers for 10 different situations that happen in life. I have meandered through it and have seen so many that fit my day, and so many that fit other people in my life. The opening part of the book speaks about the prayers listed and how they are to help you begin to draft you own prayers.

 From my heart:

Dear Lord,
I so want to find a way to have a relationship with my parents. Father, although you see their way of approaching a relationship is highly dysfunctional. I cannot help but love them both. By your grace Lord, Yours alone, I was brought to life by these two people.
I just don't know how to navigate being around them when their hurts, habits, and hang-ups are constantly wreaking havoc.
Do I stay away?
Do I continue to try?
Do I confront, again and again?
Lord, I do not know what to do, but You do. God, please grant me wisdom; help me listen to your guidance and follow Your ways. Even if this path hurts more, Lord, I know you will always be there. I know there will be a reason for the pain I have endured and the pain that is to come.
Lord, please help me be a comfort to my hurting daughters as they are caught in the midst of this battle of anger and hurt. Lord I ask these plights in Your name. Amen.

Commit your way to the Lord                           Hatred stirs up strife                    Do not hasten in your
Trust also in Him,                                              But Love covers all sins.             spirit to be angry,
and He shall bring it to pass                               Proverbs 10:12                            For anger rests in
Psalm 37:5                                                                                                              in the heart of fools
                                                                                                                                Ecclesiastes 7:9

I kept my anger from doing this!

The section was very fitting for my moment of pure rage today at the dealership. I, actually, had to remove myself from the service department and collect my emotions. I was so livid I was shaking. Not long ago I got a daily verse on my phone, and it immediately popped into my mind.  "Set a Guard, O Lord over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips"--Psalms 141:3 Right here on the service guys desk is this little pamphlet titled "Keep your Cool!"  It may not mean much to others but it was a reminder to control my anger...and as I was storming out to my car, that is still broken, God spoke lightly and calmed my anger. Even though those little signs may not mean much to others, some of us take it as a word from above.  I was blessed that the issue presented itself while my car was still sitting in the service departments parking lot and not while I was cruising down the road at 65 miles an hour. God is good!



It is not because I want to stir up trouble that I lay my hurts, and thoughts out like this. I know that I am not alone in having to deal with these struggles. There are families everywhere that deal with issues similar. If I touch just one person's life and help them gain footing again then my work is for nothing. If I touch one heart and help them learn to Love and Lean on God...then I have succeeded.

What's a parent?

This is a post I have wrestled with for a while. Sitting in my back office as a draft. It's time, I am so lost.


I live a life that is different than others. My husband is 14 years older than me; and has 4 children from his first marriage. I have two from my first marriage. We have 6 kids. SIX kids! Ages 25 (boy, the only boy), 22, 19, 12.5, 12, 9 (all girls, that's a lot of estrogen and attitude). There are grand children even; three boys 5, 3, 1 and a girl 3 months.

Here I am lost. Where do I fit? I know my children, my girls 12.5 and 9. I know where I fall with them, I am MOM. Where do I fall with the other 8 young souls? What role am I?

I am so vitally confused. There are days I feel like mom. Days I feel like a very distant friend who is only there for babysitting and the such. There are days I feel like the enemy, the evil one who took away their dad. There are days I feel like have had a very positive impact and then there are days I feel like I failed so miserably. These are most days. Days I feel that hatred dripping off the ceiling and sliding down the walls in my home.

The little boys don't know me. It was just until just a couple weeks ago that the 5 year old learned my name. That is because I babysit another little boy who is the same age and in the same grade. He calls me Miss Sarah.

Google image search

I don't know what role I play? I am not grandma they have two already. I am not an aunt, I am not a friend, I am lost.

Where do I fit with the little ones' moms? What am I?

There was once a time when the 19 year old called me mom, we were good friends...then high school, then bad influential friends came....I became the enemy.  I am not sure where I stand any more.

The oldest girl she has always hated me. Hated me to the point that she never came around and missed out on so much with her dad. I still feel very disliked. I feel tolerated.

Most days I want to crawl under the bed and hate.

 The now 12 year old  refers to me as "My mom" when at school...I guess I am mom...but not to people outside of school there is that very big differentiation made. This week I am mean. I am mean because I treat her the same as my two girls. Everybody has chores, everybody has to keep their grades at a c or above. I treat them all equal. Am I mean?

 I am lost. I am hurting. I feel judged for going with my gut instincts when trying to have a positive influence on children I did not give birth to.

 The 25 year old boy. Now that is interesting, only 7 year difference between him and I. I am referred to in contents as my parents when he is asked where he is located. However, when introducing me I am step mom. Where do I fit?

How do you raise children who are not your own? Who make sure you know they are not your children biologically speaking. My feelings get hurt all the same, maybe more.  I love them, oh I love them so very much.

Do I keep fighting or do I give in and let go. I know I am not their mother, I don't want to take that position. I just want to know where I stand. 

God says "Love all men" "Children obey your father's instructions, don't reject your mother's teaching"  Step parenting is in the Bible. It's not labeled as such. But even Jesus had a Step-Dad. 

Prayer....Forgiveness...Hurts...Circles...Hope

What does it mean to forgive somebody for the pain they have caused? What does it take to forgive? Does it magically make the hurts go away because you say you forgive them?

 I was attending a regular college online and within the first six months of starting my courses I felt a pull towards something more; I just could not quite grasp what.

 I felt an inner voice telling me I needed something I wasn't getting; this something was soul food.

 I opened my email one day and there was an invitation from Liberty University. I can not tell you how many college emails I had simply deleted from my inbox without a second thought...but this one...this one had me pause. I opened it and it was a Christian college.

This was what that pull was.

 I began making phone calls and gathered all the necessary paper work and information. Waiting to know if I was going to be accepted...waiting to find out if my credits would transfer.

I got accepted.

Great, now what? A college the teaches on biblical standards and integrates faith in to all lessons; what am I going to do with that?!

Three years later I am in my senior year of my Bachelors degree. Three years later I have been on a roller coaster of emotions I thought I long ago abandoned.

Over the course of the last three years I have been in a circle of forgiveness. Some have been easy transgression to forgive...others I just wasn't ready and they always come back again.

I want to point out the what so many people have titled "The Lord's Prayer"

Our Father in heaven,
Your name be honored as holy.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
on Earth as it is heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
[For YOURS is the kingdom,
    and the power
and the glory forever. Amen]
  Matthew 6:9-13 (HCSB)

FORGIVENESS- I am going to continue on to the next two verses that follow that prayer
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing."

That is a lot to swallow. Pretty much my salvation is hinging on my ability to forgive those who have done me wrong. I have been hurt, lied to, beat, and abused. My heart is full of hurt that has been masked as anger for a very long time. My heart feels so abandoned by many people that roam this planet. If my inability to forgive is going to keep me out of my Father's presence I want to forgive each and every person that has done me wrong. I wish it were that easy.

That is where my education has come in to play. It was in the middle of my lessons through Christian counseling that I began the road to forgiveness.  That is where God pulled me in and held me tight and said to my heart:
 "Dear Child they are just earthly beings, it is my love that is enduring, it is my love that you need. My Dear child I will hold you close as you walk this life and walk through again the hurts that others have given your heart. My dear child I love you so much I want you to feel that love. My dear child it is OK to forgive."                                                   Casting Crowns-Just Another Birthday<<<Click the link
 Some hurts have been easier to forgive then other. As I forgive some hurts more begin to bubble to the surface I long ago tried to block away. The more I embrace forgiveness the more I hear God speaking to my heart. The more I am open to His love the easier those horrible hurts are getting to forgive.

So many people pray the Lord's Prayer at funerals or other faith based gatherings; but it makes me wonder if they really mean it? Do they really understand what it is they are asking for?  So many people are holding on to hurts and refuse to forgive those who have done them wrong but yet they feel they are entitled to be forgiven.  The old quote I have heard time and time again "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" You know in all actuality that poison is just going to kill you and keep you from having a life in the presence of our Lord and Savior; learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not for the wrong doer but for your own heart, over all health, and forgiveness from

Google image search

God.
We are all humans, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I am not free of sin myself. I am a very big sinner, and I recognized that in myself; but I try everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday. I can only hope that those who I hurt forgive me; just as I am beginning to forgive them for the hurts they caused me.