Magic Mike...50 Shades.... think about it!

I have noticed on Facebook

...yep I went back, but I have a yearning to go away again....

there is a sequel coming out for a movie that a lot of women are overjoyed to go to the theater to watch. There is another movie that is be released this month based off a very popular book trilogy.

Both these films and book series have a similar theme. 

LUST...there I said it. 

Am I guilt of reading the book trilogy? Yes, I sure am.

But what drew me into the series?

I can say it is the excitement of the dramatic adventure of a relationship that seems to have been doomed from the beginning. I can say it was for "ideas" of how to make my personal life better.

  Would these be true? I don't think so. Sure they spiced my drive temporarily, but they actual pulled me away from the relationship with my husband. 

This placed an unattainable ideal in my mind and heart that our relationship was not right. We weren't spicy enough, we do not go out much, we are just a mundane average boring couple. I would stay up late to read the books, I would be tired all day, but I would stay up late again, and again, again. It was a cycle of being tired but wanting to know to what was going to happen next...slightly borderline addiction. Good things the series was only 3 books!

My life with my husband is amazing. He makes the mundane fun, he knows just how to kiss my forehead when I need it most, or touch my arm in a lovely way that only he can do.  I never knew I could love a man as deeply and wholly as I do with him. My husband goes away for work and I am lost...I have to sleep in a cold bed, in silence...even his breathing is a comfort to me and when I don't hear it my heart aches.

What has this got to do with a movie or book series? Well reading this book series was just as bad as watching porn. The only difference was I had the movie playing in my mind not on a screen. I let these characters into my life, I even created their physical body's with my minds eye.

This series lead me into temptation:

Cravings: for things I didn't need...I craved for a life that wasn't mine...a life that is immoral
Lust of the eyes:  it may have been my mind's eye but I lusted for the physical body of the character I created.

Is this the wholesome Godly life I am suppose to live? No, reading these types of books is not any different then watching pornography on the television, computer monitor, or the big screen at a theater.

What example was a I setting to my daughters? They saw me sitting there is the book in my hand, they could read the title. Guess what as they grow up they can do research and find out just what kind of reading materials it truly was they saw mom (me) reading.

I have never asked my husband what he thought about those books. Like I said it spiced my drive, if only temporarily. Why would I want to allow another male figure into our bedroom, even if it was a fantasy figure made up in a book series brought to life in my own lustful mind? Is that not committing adultery? How can I say to my husband, I do not want you to look at magazines with nude women or watch videos, if I (in my own mind) am doing just that? That was not fair to place that double standard on him. I feel ashamed of that, how hypocritical of me!

Is this the type of material I would want my Savior to see in my house if He were to knock on my door tonight? NO! I look back and I am deeply saddened by my actions, I am regretful. With prayer, and faith I will attempt to not be led into this temptation any farther.


1 John 2:15-17 (HCSB)
^15 Do not love the world or the things in that belong to the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. ^16 For everything that belongs to the world--the lust of flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one's lifestyle--is not from the Father, but is from the world. ^17 And the world with its lust is passing away, but the one who does God's will remains forever.

Matthew 5:27-28 ^ 27 You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. ^27 But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Ladies does this not apply to us as well?
1 Corinthians 10:23 Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful.

Just because we can doesn't mean we should read or watch such shows.

I'm a stay at home Mom...so what do I do all day?

Today I am pondering what exactly my "job description" entails?

I am a home owner. I am the scrubber, wiper, soaker, gardener, sweeper, and plumper.

I am a wife. I have nutritional intake to ponder, hydration to think about, ensure medical needs get met,  physical comfort to give and enjoy, emotional counselor, partner to help with property chores, encouraging friend, the reminder, and sounding board. I am the accountant, financial planner, and office manager.

I am a mother. I am a nutritionist, encourager, listen, advise giver, disciplinary (rarely thankfully), fight mediator, house keeper, taxi driver, appointment maker and keeper, cheerleader, supporter, hugger, holder, spiritual advisor, tutor, and hair curling braiding tycoon. I am the party planner, organizer, and gift giver.

I am a baby sitter. I ensure safety of other mothers' child(ren) often. Which often includes the same description as mother, but only for kids who are not my own.

I am a friend. I am a listener, confidant, sounding board, encourager, helper, and advise giver.

I am a full time college student. I have text books to read, papers to write, discussion to take part in, assignments to complete, and quizzes to stress over.

I am an aunt, sister, daughter, granddaughter, and cousin. I am a step mother, step daughter, sister in law, and step grandmother.

Mainly I am an unconditional love giving fool.

The next time I wonder if I am even remotely useful I will think about this "Job Description" and see that even though it may not look like much to other people I am a very busy person. I work hard to do what is best for my family, I strive to help others when I can and the best I can.

Prayer....Forgiveness...Hurts...Circles...Hope

What does it mean to forgive somebody for the pain they have caused? What does it take to forgive? Does it magically make the hurts go away because you say you forgive them?

 I was attending a regular college online and within the first six months of starting my courses I felt a pull towards something more; I just could not quite grasp what.

 I felt an inner voice telling me I needed something I wasn't getting; this something was soul food.

 I opened my email one day and there was an invitation from Liberty University. I can not tell you how many college emails I had simply deleted from my inbox without a second thought...but this one...this one had me pause. I opened it and it was a Christian college.

This was what that pull was.

 I began making phone calls and gathered all the necessary paper work and information. Waiting to know if I was going to be accepted...waiting to find out if my credits would transfer.

I got accepted.

Great, now what? A college the teaches on biblical standards and integrates faith in to all lessons; what am I going to do with that?!

Three years later I am in my senior year of my Bachelors degree. Three years later I have been on a roller coaster of emotions I thought I long ago abandoned.

Over the course of the last three years I have been in a circle of forgiveness. Some have been easy transgression to forgive...others I just wasn't ready and they always come back again.

I want to point out the what so many people have titled "The Lord's Prayer"

Our Father in heaven,
Your name be honored as holy.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
on Earth as it is heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
[For YOURS is the kingdom,
    and the power
and the glory forever. Amen]
  Matthew 6:9-13 (HCSB)

FORGIVENESS- I am going to continue on to the next two verses that follow that prayer
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing."

That is a lot to swallow. Pretty much my salvation is hinging on my ability to forgive those who have done me wrong. I have been hurt, lied to, beat, and abused. My heart is full of hurt that has been masked as anger for a very long time. My heart feels so abandoned by many people that roam this planet. If my inability to forgive is going to keep me out of my Father's presence I want to forgive each and every person that has done me wrong. I wish it were that easy.

That is where my education has come in to play. It was in the middle of my lessons through Christian counseling that I began the road to forgiveness.  That is where God pulled me in and held me tight and said to my heart:
 "Dear Child they are just earthly beings, it is my love that is enduring, it is my love that you need. My Dear child I will hold you close as you walk this life and walk through again the hurts that others have given your heart. My dear child I love you so much I want you to feel that love. My dear child it is OK to forgive."                                                   Casting Crowns-Just Another Birthday<<<Click the link
 Some hurts have been easier to forgive then other. As I forgive some hurts more begin to bubble to the surface I long ago tried to block away. The more I embrace forgiveness the more I hear God speaking to my heart. The more I am open to His love the easier those horrible hurts are getting to forgive.

So many people pray the Lord's Prayer at funerals or other faith based gatherings; but it makes me wonder if they really mean it? Do they really understand what it is they are asking for?  So many people are holding on to hurts and refuse to forgive those who have done them wrong but yet they feel they are entitled to be forgiven.  The old quote I have heard time and time again "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" You know in all actuality that poison is just going to kill you and keep you from having a life in the presence of our Lord and Savior; learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not for the wrong doer but for your own heart, over all health, and forgiveness from

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God.
We are all humans, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I am not free of sin myself. I am a very big sinner, and I recognized that in myself; but I try everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday. I can only hope that those who I hurt forgive me; just as I am beginning to forgive them for the hurts they caused me.




   

When does the testing end?

In my post about coming down from the extreme stress I mentioned that the last big hurdle, or so I thought, was my brother's hand surgery.

Well life had other plans.

 The surgery was a great success the hand is healing well, except now he has pneumonia. I was ok with that I know it's highly treatable. What I am not ok with is that the hospital he is at did not pay attention to his medical history and gave him FOUR bag of intravenous antibiotics that he is ALLERGIC to and on bag number four he had an aliphatic reactions and stopped breathing.  That phone call was heartbeat skipping. 

It filled me with fear, dread, and worry. 

I. Could. Have. Lost. My. Brother.

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All because the medical staff were negligent. What I cannot wrap my mind around is how can they let something so vitally important slip through the cracks? How could they play with life like that? Not only do they not pay attention to the medical records but the CNA stepped on his IV tube and about pulled it out of his arm. I am sincerely disappointed with the care he is receiving from the medical staff. 

I have an important friend who I text knowing that she will pray for me, the medical teams, and the person in the midst of the medical battle. She is a blogger <---link there.  A faith filled person who in the middle of her own life struggles takes the time to pray for others, to send heartwarming messages via email, text, and thoughts. She sent me a message yesterday, a reminder that God will help (Isaiah 41:13). It was the message I needed at the time I was struggling. 

I have felt lately that I am about to my breaking point that moment when life feels too stressful to deal with. I get a daily verse on my phone a gentle reminder that God is always near. A verse that makes me stop in the moment and let it sink in deep, deep into my heart to feed my soul with the love that is showered on me from my Heavenly Father. Here is the Link  to that app from Google Play if you are interested in having your own thought provoking verses delivered daily to your mobile device. 

One must remember that we are not alone here. We have God on our right side helping us through the paths of life. It makes me think about the footsteps in the sand poem. It was then that I carried you. 

FootPrints

So, so, sleepy...

It could be the weather or it could be that my body is finally coming down from the high stress level of the last couple weeks.

Exhaustion -link to source

Both men who were having cardiac procedures are home and on the mend. My niece who for whatever reason was lethargic and unresponsive is showing no lasting effects; that I am aware of. The baby who got burned on his feet and flew to Denver Children's is home and healing. The investigation of the accident is coming to a close. The last big hurdle is my brother who smashed his hand and now requires surgery.

 My home is kid free today, no extra children to attend to, I can finally process everything my mind and heart has gone through.

So much hurt, fear, and anxiety. 

I knew that stress was brutal on the body. Mine manifests itself in the form of debilitating stomach aches that makes me wish I was in labor with a baby instead withering on the bed in agony. Amazingly enough I only had a couple minor anxiety attacks; I am learning to control and cope with stress better.

I sent out an abundance of prayer requests which resulted in myself, my family, and each individual person who was in the medical situation raised in intercessory prayer by an army of faithful men and women. I truly believe that all of this was a test. A test of faith and grace.

 Not once did my God let evil win.

You see in the New Testament alone anxiety is mentioned over 20 times. Matthew 6:25 as an example. We are not to worry but give everything to God. As difficult as that is to do, it is needed. I knew there was nothing I could physically do in this last few weeks that would change the outcome for any person in the midst of their medical situation. All I could do was request God to guide the hands of the medical staff and to strengthen the person in the middle of the situation to heal. Leaning on faith is hard.

Matthew 17:20--Link to source

 I am still learning to have Faith.

Words are an empty vessel

Source: We heart it

I can tell this is going to be a sleepless night. My mind is racing and my heart it pounding. This message is tumbling through my mind; demanding to be heard.

Our Words are Just Words; 

WE NEED ACTIONS!

We can tell a person we love them. We can tell others that we will be there to help them but without actually showing them through our actions; the words are just empty. Empty vessels of letters strung together that mean nothing more then their shapes.

It is the actions that we do following the words we speak that lets people know if we are sincere or not. No matter the hurts that have been caused in the past we have to show the world we are better then that. We have to prove that we not only talk the talk but we walk the walk as well.

When you tell somebody you love them, not only a romantic love but a platonic love, or a parental love show them. Make sure they know it by the way you behave towards and around them.

Source: tumblr

Even in moments of tension and bad company we have to raise above ourselves (if needed) to show our love.

THIS HORRID LESSON I AM LEARNING RIGHT NOW. 

I have been so nasty lately. So angry at my own pains I didn't care who I hurt in the midst of it. There is a quote that goes something like this

 "Hurting people hurt people"  

I can't tell you how true that statement is, or even the origins. When we allow the hurts to accumulate within we  act in a way towards other people (not always on purpose) that hurts them. Ignoring invitations, dodging phone calls, skipping messages, not attending celebrations, HURTFUL words. All negative actions that display the negative feelings from inside.

Do not just say you love a person out of habit, prove to them that you love them by your actions.

Do not let the sun go down....

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Anger

I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, but that sun set twenty plus years ago. 

I am the child of a broke home. A marriage that ended in great bitterness, anger, sadness, and loss. Not only did the marriage end but the family...my family... was tore apart. 

My dad is still very angry and no matter how many times he is reminded about this he still just says it's not going to happen. Tomorrow he goes in for bypass surgery; could the last words I have said to him be "Someday you will have to get over your selfishness!!" in a fit of anger? Could me reaching out and asking him to read Ephesians 4:25-32 been the last chance for him and his reply have been "Not going to happen."  There are so many what ifs? How comes? What fors? I made my choice to not attend this medical procedure because of my hurts. I made the choice not to go because I am still angry at him and a few others that will be there as well. I am angry because of all the heartaches they have caused. I know that I should just deal, be the bigger person, and swallow the bitter pill; it's so hard. 

God said "Be angry and do not sin." Does the guarding of my heart constitute sin? Does not wanting to put myself in a position for anguish mean I am sinning? Does not forgiving the people who have hurt

Source:
fessicsfavorites.wordpress.com

me mean I am sinning? According to Luke 17:3-4 I am suppose to forgive repeat offenses. Again, I am confused. I know that this life is not going to be easy. 

I am angry with my brother and his wife\fiance\baby-mama for always dumping their problems on me and when I am set to have an adult conversation I was told "We don't need your help." After working extra hard to ensure that my schedule was cleared so I could go help them work through whatever issues they had to make their relationship stronger,but at the last minute was told we don't need you. I guess I felt...still feel...I deserved an apology. This just makes the anger seethe inside. I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, and I am not suppose to let that anger turn to sin. Have I? Is avoiding them sin? 

I am so confused. 

Protecting my heart from hurts, but at what cost? Does building up wall around my heart mean I am sinning? I guess I am. The lesson in Luke 6:27-36 Oh what a hard, hard lesson. 

Source: www.sunnyshell.org

I love my father and his wife, my grandma, and my brother and his wife/fiance/baby-mama and kid.I just do not love the hurts in my heart. 

Rushing to Wait...Sliding into Oblivion

Photocredit: taglov.com

Today's fast paced world where everybody is rushing to wait. Speed up between stop lights only to get stuck at the next red light. Hurry to pass the cars in front of you only to get slowed down in the construction too.


I am sitting here in my little space at home watching the rain drip off the eaves of the house and the cars jetting past on the highway wondering when, why, and how I too got caught up in the rush of life? When did I stop noticing all the purple alfalfa flowers growing in the neighbors lots? How did I not see how fast my kids are growing and maturing? Why am I letting myself feel so rushed to finish my meals, with limited savoring? When was the last time I laid down in grass and tried to discover shapes in the clouds? A favor pastime I had as child but have never experienced with my children. Life is not about getting to the finish line first, but life is about enjoyment of what God has made and giving glory and thanks to Him for it.

Life is not about wasting away trying to impress those around us. Seriously they aren't paying attention anyways because they too are rushing around trying to impress others. Life should be enjoying the time of those we are blessed to know, and not trying so hard to be liked.

I deactivated FACEBOOK (gasp...loud awkward silences...sighs of denial) and it has take over a week for anybody to realize I am not there. I no longer am liking their status updates, or commenting on their pictures. I am not longer just an instant message away. The people in their own little worlds hoping for likes and comments don't even realize when somebody slips away. People are so wrapped up in their own worlds they don't see the hurting people around them. I am fine with the fact that no one has noticed I missing from facebook I have come to realize, as you know in a previous post, that I am loved. I am cherished by my husband, children, and a friend or two. Those are the ones that important they make me feel important to them and that is what matters.

I realized the time had come that I was referencing so many posts or was no longer surprised at news that others thought was important or exciting because I seen it on facebook.  I know longer get together with my friends because we do not have any news to share in person with each other because we are blasting everything on facebook. What happened to going out and meeting somebody for coffee/tea/soda/icecream/ice water or a walk in the park? What happened to dialing a phone number and having a conversation with another person hearing the tone of their voice, or intake of breath as they are waiting to excitedly tell you news? Where did the family/friends bar-b-ques go where everybody gets together and enjoys the company of others?

Why are so many relationships only kept together via social media?  Well I am ending the pain of disappointment and lack of personal relationships. I am not going to rely on facebook to tell me what is going in the lives of those who think they are friends. I want more. I want to meet others, and see their faces. I want to annoy the service staff at restaurants because we are enjoying our food and the company that made the meal possible. I want real life friendships.

What about all the events that are only planned through facebook events?

 What about the invites to such things, if I don't have a facebook account how am I going to know?. If my presences is truly desired please feel free to pick up the phone and give me a ring. 

How can I not be anxious?

I'm so conflicted these days.

My faith is being tested at every turn.

source:

http://www.hacmn.org/tag/chang-trial-tribulation-test/

I'm tired.

I'm worried.  

                 Mostly I'm scared.  

Scared of the unknown,  how's my life going to be changed in the near future;  good or bad?

I know two men who are going in for cardiac procedures this coming week. Two incredibly wise men whose presences in the lives of their family is highly important.  Two men who are fathers,  grandfathers,  mostly husbands.  

God knows who they are if you'll pray for them.

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One in particular is vital to me; I am petrified. Fear of the unknown is paralyzing, evil creeps in filling my mind with thoughts of what if...

I have to step forward on the landing of faith, and remain there. I have to stop second guessing my Father and know that He is there I have to trust in Him.

Faith is a pillow to rest my weary head. Sinking into fear is the easy part. It is leaning on my faith that is hard. I am stuck on the corner of Faith and Fear fighting to go towards Faith with Fear pulling me back in.

A Late Night and I Can't Sleep

I have been struggling a lot lately with sleep. It is in the midst of the dark hours that my mind begins to tumble into the seething pits of the depression I have fought for years. It is during these late nights that my blog turns sour and it is nothing but an emotional outburst of pain. 

Tonight is really no different.

Source:
www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/dan-marker-moore-moon-rise-time-slice

Mind boggling issue #1

So many people in my life that have are going through or have gone through unrest in their relationships; or have come to the end. The strife they feel towards their significant other is boiling out and affecting several other relationships. Relationships that were once incredibly important have now take a back seat. Those that are being pushed aside are in pain, as well as those that are in the middle of the chaos. 

Mind boggling issue #2

What the hell happened to my so called

Source: Google Search

friends? Yes, this issue again.  My heart is so broken.

Mind boggling issue #3

Home repairs, upgrades, and remodels. We have had this house for 7 years and we finally got the cement laid. We are now the proud owners of a front walkway, and a patio. A really large patio. Now I want a fire-pit. Actually, I have always wanted a fire-pit. I love sitting next to the crackling wood and watching the flames flicker and pop. I love the smell, and feeling of peace that enters my mind. 
In my mind I see my dream outdoor living space and it is just a few feet out my back door. 

Mind boggling issue #4

It seems that when the night creeps in the thoughts creep out. The feelings of inadequacies. The feelings of loss. The missing hope. The lack of faith. The feelings of shame because of my body size. The confusion when people tell me I am pretty. I look in the mirror and I just. do. not. see. it. All the years of abuse I endured as a child and teenager have never left the back of my mind. All the self-hatred is still there. The desire to hide is still there. When does it end? It's a mad cycle of shit, and I want it to go away. The sadness doesn't last as long any more, and it doesn't come as often but it still comes.

Mind boggling issue #5

When I said I  was done caring so much I lied. I can't stop caring not matter how hard I try. 

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So there are five of the issues that are running circles in my mind. And each time they complete a cycle the pain starts over and I cry. Feeling the pain of those around me and my own pain is crippling. I hate being an emphatic person, at times it is too much. I need to learn to block, but I haven't mastered that skill. 

I am Invisible

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I have come to the conclusion that I am utterly invisible to all around me; unless they need something.

Sigh

I am going to take refuge knowing that I am not invisible to my God. He knew me before I was born (Ps 139:13) and He has plans for me. He is going to take all this pain, disappointment, and turn it into something good. I only need to have faith, I need to only lean on my God to find rest.

I know I am not truly invisible but I certainly have been made to feel that way.

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Learning...What am I Learning?

Learn to look to the Cross

I am learning to let go and let God.
I am learning that even though I am angry I have to let go.
That does not mean that I cannot use my anger for something good.
I am learning that I am not alone in this journey of life, I was put here to work as a guide for other who need assistance in walking a path they find difficult. But most importantly my Lord and SAVIOR is walking my journey with me. Matthew 28:20 "...I am with you always, to the end of the age." I am never alone.
The last few days I have been hurting emotionally and literally cried myself to sleep. I was hurt that I can ask for help from others and feel that my request has fallen on deaf ears. What I failed to do was take my request to my Lord. I failed to remember that He said "Ask and you shall receive" Matthew 7:7. I have to remember that God's will is done in God's time. So while I may have set goals for myself and the growth in my business I have to be patient, I have to have faith that God has a plan for me. I have to remember that in time when it is right God will provide. So for now I will focus on finishing up my research paper, fighting to pass algebra class, and learning to remember to have faith even if it is is the size of a mustard seed it is still faith (Matthew 17:20).

My heart hurts

This is plain and simple an emotional rant. 

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I am struggling something terrible right now with all the hurt in my heart. I am building a business and it's no picnic. I, over the last several years, have promoted, referred, supported, encouraged many other people some family, some friends, some are others I have done business with and felt I should help them out. Well hell, here I am asking for a little assistance in getting the word out on my own business. I have NOT begged any one to enroll, purchase anything, or give me money.  I have been sharing and promoting myself for a short time, and sadly I can see who is helping. Social media is a heartbreaking bitch. There is no lying about whether you are or are not helping out when the platform sends notifications after a person "likes" "1+" "re-tweets" whatever platform the person gets notifications.

I have noticed that it is only when I make a comment (post) about being frustrated, sad, upset, or whatever all of sudden I get text messages, private messages, emails, etc apologizing or asking if it was the sender that is the issue. My advice to those that do question if the post is about them:  if you have that big of a guilty conscience check yourself in the mirror. Take a real deep look at how you are treating others if you feel the need to question a post.

 All I have ever wanted to do in life is help others, but I never planned on letting so many people take advantage of my helping nature. It's not only this building of a business that hurts. It all the time I have given to other people; who I am emotionally invested in (close family & friends {let's get real acquaintances}). I listen to people complain about their health, I listen to people complain about the relationships, I listen to people complain about their finances. I just want to know who is going to be there to listen when I need an outlet? Why do I see the looks of annoyance on the faces of people I thought cared when I need to vent? Why am I sitting here with tears streaming down my face, as the emotional (yes even physical) ache is in my chest?  I have only requested that you share my page, refer people you know that could benefit from what I do; is that seriously too much to ask? Is it really too much to ask for you to even allow me to practice my presentations with you? Is it so hard to reply to text messages, instant messages even if you tell me "No" I am not going to be hurt or mad. I just want to know that you gave me an honest answer. I just want to know that you value me enough as a person to give me a response. Even when I send messages that are personal non-business related I still very much ignored.

I am incredibly hurt right now I want to give family, friends, acquaintances, and the rest of the world the bird. I want to walk away and never help another person. I know it is not suppose to be a walk in the park, I know there is going to be disappointment, but I never saw this much heartache coming my way.     I, also, know that when I do get going in my future career it will be a little easier because I won't be so personally emotionally invested in my clients.

I guess now that I have wallowed in self-pity there is nothing else to do but to pull the boot straps up and keep going. Keep praying for direction, keep praying for those that need my help to cross my path. Where there is a will there is a way...and I have the will and HE has that way. I have to pray for this ache to vacate my heart and just move on.

No this not a non-stop pity train. I am done; the station is here, and I am getting off this roller coaster of emotions; with a slightly hardened heart.

 I just hope those that read this that know me can see how much they truly can influence the emotions of another person.

Oh No the Big 3-0!!

The big 3-0!! I made it to thirty; wasn't sure I would see this mile stone of life.

I watched the sun rise this morning it was amazing. The orange and red colors bouncing off the low lying clouds were of this world, seeing the brush stokes wispy and bold all mixed together makes me ever so thankful for the power and privilege of eye sight. Listening to the wind whip and howl mixed with the click and clatter of metal reminds me I get the joys of hearing life! So not only do I get to see my daughters' smiles I get to hear their laughter and feel their hugs and kisses. Life is a miracle.

I've been through many trials in life but each time I have picked up, dusted off, and lived to fight another day. I want to give glory to God for bringing me through the difficult times as I look back I can see the work he had done and the strength he has given me.
I have an amazing husband who truly is my best friend. I am blown away by the amount of support I have from him, he is my right hand wing man!

My daughters they renew my heart every day. Watching them grow and change is such a blessing. Who knew LOVE could be so amazing. It really is true that the moment you give birth is the moment that you allow your heart to walk around this world outside your body.

I have step children, I know that I am not nor will I ever be the world’s greatest step mom, but I have done better than the multiple step parents I had growing up. I tried to teach the kids to be respectful and responsible but I can't change their genetics or the examples they had before I entered the picture. I can love them for who they are, but I have to let them lead their lives the way they choose. I can be there as a friend who encourages them to be the best they can be and to try and be successful in life.

During the course of the last year I have come to accept the fact that childhood friends don't always last a lifetime. We have all grown and changed, and moved on. I always thought that I would keep my personal life away from work and "work friends" away from my personal life, but somewhere along the way the line blurred. Now some of my closest friends are those that I work with; we vent, we ask advice, and we encourage each other. I am blessed to call them friends. Now it's out with the old and in with the new but we must never forget the impact old friends had on our hearts or the lessons we learned.

I have learned that families grow and drift apart. Growing up I didn't have the "Leave it to Beaver" or "Brady Bunch" family. We had really hard times with a sprinkle of happiness. Some of us don't talk to each other nor do we associate with each other and that's okay. Sometimes you have to cut ties to let the hurt feelings heal. I know there are family members who are angry with me, and I can only pray that they learn the lesson of forgiveness.

There has been a ton of hurt and anger in my life but I have to let it go. The past is the past, it is what it is, I can't change it. And I certainly do not want to let the negativities of my past override the positives and joy that is on its way. She did, he did, they did, but what was done is done and it is over. Growing up, moving on, chapter is closed, and the page has been turned.

Now as I travel through the next decade of life I am going to take these lessons in life and grow from them. I am going to allow God to mold me into the person I am meant to be. I have to remember that no matter how bad I feel life is, there is always somebody out there who is in a worse situation.