I have to get going to get ready for a doctor appointment. My life has changed. I am divorced. I have an autoimmune disease. I will find out the new path of my life today November 1, 2017. I fell away from my faith, but in the last year I have stumbled and tripped my way back to loving and believing in my God and the good He does. I am learning that God is good, and we live in a fallen sin filled world. I will not ask WHY I am sick, I will ask HOW can I show God's goodness through this illness??
Pray for me, Pray for my family, but remember to Pray for yourself too.
01 November 2017
04 February 2015
Magic Mike...50 Shades.... think about it!
I have noticed on Facebook
there is a sequel coming out for a movie that a lot of women are overjoyed to go to the theater to watch. There is another movie that is be released this month based off a very popular book trilogy.
Am I guilt of reading the book trilogy? Yes, I sure am.
But what drew me into the series?
This placed an unattainable ideal in my mind and heart that our relationship was not right. We weren't spicy enough, we do not go out much, we are just a mundane average boring couple. I would stay up late to read the books, I would be tired all day, but I would stay up late again, and again, again. It was a cycle of being tired but wanting to know to what was going to happen next...slightly borderline addiction. Good things the series was only 3 books!
My life with my husband is amazing. He makes the mundane fun, he knows just how to kiss my forehead when I need it most, or touch my arm in a lovely way that only he can do. I never knew I could love a man as deeply and wholly as I do with him. My husband goes away for work and I am lost...I have to sleep in a cold bed, in silence...even his breathing is a comfort to me and when I don't hear it my heart aches.
What has this got to do with a movie or book series? Well reading this book series was just as bad as watching porn. The only difference was I had the movie playing in my mind not on a screen. I let these characters into my life, I even created their physical body's with my minds eye.
This series lead me into temptation:
Cravings: for things I didn't need...I craved for a life that wasn't mine...a life that is immoral
Lust of the eyes: it may have been my mind's eye but I lusted for the physical body of the character I created.
Is this the wholesome Godly life I am suppose to live? No, reading these types of books is not any different then watching pornography on the television, computer monitor, or the big screen at a theater.
What example was a I setting to my daughters? They saw me sitting there is the book in my hand, they could read the title. Guess what as they grow up they can do research and find out just what kind of reading materials it truly was they saw mom (me) reading.
I have never asked my husband what he thought about those books. Like I said it spiced my drive, if only temporarily. Why would I want to allow another male figure into our bedroom, even if it was a fantasy figure made up in a book series brought to life in my own lustful mind? Is that not committing adultery? How can I say to my husband, I do not want you to look at magazines with nude women or watch videos, if I (in my own mind) am doing just that? That was not fair to place that double standard on him. I feel ashamed of that, how hypocritical of me!
Is this the type of material I would want my Savior to see in my house if He were to knock on my door tonight? NO! I look back and I am deeply saddened by my actions, I am regretful. With prayer, and faith I will attempt to not be led into this temptation any farther.
1 John 2:15-17 (HCSB)
^15 Do not love the world or the things in that belong to the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. ^16 For everything that belongs to the world--the lust of flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one's lifestyle--is not from the Father, but is from the world. ^17 And the world with its lust is passing away, but the one who does God's will remains forever.
Matthew 5:27-28 ^ 27 You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. ^27 But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Ladies does this not apply to us as well?
1 Corinthians 10:23 Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful.
Just because we can doesn't mean we should read or watch such shows.
...yep I went back, but I have a yearning to go away again....
there is a sequel coming out for a movie that a lot of women are overjoyed to go to the theater to watch. There is another movie that is be released this month based off a very popular book trilogy.
Both these films and book series have a similar theme.
LUST...there I said it.
Am I guilt of reading the book trilogy? Yes, I sure am.
But what drew me into the series?
I can say it is the excitement of the dramatic adventure of a relationship that seems to have been doomed from the beginning. I can say it was for "ideas" of how to make my personal life better.
Would these be true? I don't think so. Sure they spiced my drive temporarily, but they actual pulled me away from the relationship with my husband.
This placed an unattainable ideal in my mind and heart that our relationship was not right. We weren't spicy enough, we do not go out much, we are just a mundane average boring couple. I would stay up late to read the books, I would be tired all day, but I would stay up late again, and again, again. It was a cycle of being tired but wanting to know to what was going to happen next...slightly borderline addiction. Good things the series was only 3 books!
My life with my husband is amazing. He makes the mundane fun, he knows just how to kiss my forehead when I need it most, or touch my arm in a lovely way that only he can do. I never knew I could love a man as deeply and wholly as I do with him. My husband goes away for work and I am lost...I have to sleep in a cold bed, in silence...even his breathing is a comfort to me and when I don't hear it my heart aches.
What has this got to do with a movie or book series? Well reading this book series was just as bad as watching porn. The only difference was I had the movie playing in my mind not on a screen. I let these characters into my life, I even created their physical body's with my minds eye.
This series lead me into temptation:
Cravings: for things I didn't need...I craved for a life that wasn't mine...a life that is immoral
Lust of the eyes: it may have been my mind's eye but I lusted for the physical body of the character I created.
Is this the wholesome Godly life I am suppose to live? No, reading these types of books is not any different then watching pornography on the television, computer monitor, or the big screen at a theater.
What example was a I setting to my daughters? They saw me sitting there is the book in my hand, they could read the title. Guess what as they grow up they can do research and find out just what kind of reading materials it truly was they saw mom (me) reading.
I have never asked my husband what he thought about those books. Like I said it spiced my drive, if only temporarily. Why would I want to allow another male figure into our bedroom, even if it was a fantasy figure made up in a book series brought to life in my own lustful mind? Is that not committing adultery? How can I say to my husband, I do not want you to look at magazines with nude women or watch videos, if I (in my own mind) am doing just that? That was not fair to place that double standard on him. I feel ashamed of that, how hypocritical of me!
Is this the type of material I would want my Savior to see in my house if He were to knock on my door tonight? NO! I look back and I am deeply saddened by my actions, I am regretful. With prayer, and faith I will attempt to not be led into this temptation any farther.
1 John 2:15-17 (HCSB)
^15 Do not love the world or the things in that belong to the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. ^16 For everything that belongs to the world--the lust of flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one's lifestyle--is not from the Father, but is from the world. ^17 And the world with its lust is passing away, but the one who does God's will remains forever.
Matthew 5:27-28 ^ 27 You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. ^27 But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Ladies does this not apply to us as well?
1 Corinthians 10:23 Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful.
Just because we can doesn't mean we should read or watch such shows.
31 October 2014
I'm a stay at home Mom...so what do I do all day?
Today I am pondering what exactly my "job description" entails?
I am a home owner. I am the scrubber, wiper, soaker, gardener, sweeper, and plumper.
I am a wife. I have nutritional intake to ponder, hydration to think about, ensure medical needs get met, physical comfort to give and enjoy, emotional counselor, partner to help with property chores, encouraging friend, the reminder, and sounding board. I am the accountant, financial planner, and office manager.
I am a mother. I am a nutritionist, encourager, listen, advise giver, disciplinary (rarely thankfully), fight mediator, house keeper, taxi driver, appointment maker and keeper, cheerleader, supporter, hugger, holder, spiritual advisor, tutor, and hair curling braiding tycoon. I am the party planner, organizer, and gift giver.
I am a baby sitter. I ensure safety of other mothers' child(ren) often. Which often includes the same description as mother, but only for kids who are not my own.
I am a friend. I am a listener, confidant, sounding board, encourager, helper, and advise giver.
I am a full time college student. I have text books to read, papers to write, discussion to take part in, assignments to complete, and quizzes to stress over.
I am an aunt, sister, daughter, granddaughter, and cousin. I am a step mother, step daughter, sister in law, and step grandmother.
Mainly I am an unconditional love giving fool.
The next time I wonder if I am even remotely useful I will think about this "Job Description" and see that even though it may not look like much to other people I am a very busy person. I work hard to do what is best for my family, I strive to help others when I can and the best I can.
I am a home owner. I am the scrubber, wiper, soaker, gardener, sweeper, and plumper.
I am a wife. I have nutritional intake to ponder, hydration to think about, ensure medical needs get met, physical comfort to give and enjoy, emotional counselor, partner to help with property chores, encouraging friend, the reminder, and sounding board. I am the accountant, financial planner, and office manager.
I am a mother. I am a nutritionist, encourager, listen, advise giver, disciplinary (rarely thankfully), fight mediator, house keeper, taxi driver, appointment maker and keeper, cheerleader, supporter, hugger, holder, spiritual advisor, tutor, and hair curling braiding tycoon. I am the party planner, organizer, and gift giver.
I am a baby sitter. I ensure safety of other mothers' child(ren) often. Which often includes the same description as mother, but only for kids who are not my own.
I am a friend. I am a listener, confidant, sounding board, encourager, helper, and advise giver.
I am a full time college student. I have text books to read, papers to write, discussion to take part in, assignments to complete, and quizzes to stress over.
I am an aunt, sister, daughter, granddaughter, and cousin. I am a step mother, step daughter, sister in law, and step grandmother.
Mainly I am an unconditional love giving fool.
The next time I wonder if I am even remotely useful I will think about this "Job Description" and see that even though it may not look like much to other people I am a very busy person. I work hard to do what is best for my family, I strive to help others when I can and the best I can.
22 October 2014
Who Are You Working For?!?!
When people chose a career they usually chose something they love. However, those dreams and desires do not always work out and we are left to work in a field that is not necessarily our dream job.
Who do we work for?
Are we working for some domineering boss? Are we working for our own self? Are we working for the Lord?
Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men"
What a very powerful verse. When we go out to our job each day we need to bring glory to GOD, we need to set our self aside and work for the LORD not our bosses, not our friends, but we need to work as though we are doing HIS work. Sometimes this may mean that we do not get the promotion that we desire, because all things come in GOD's time. When God decides to rain the blessings down we will rejoice, but in the mean time we must wait, patiently, while giving glory to God.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven".
While at work we are to bring glory to God, just as Jesus was a servant we are to set aside our pride and "Make our own attitude that of Christ Jesus" Philippians 2:5. We must do so without complaint.
Who do we work for?
Are we working for some domineering boss? Are we working for our own self? Are we working for the Lord?
Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men"
What a very powerful verse. When we go out to our job each day we need to bring glory to GOD, we need to set our self aside and work for the LORD not our bosses, not our friends, but we need to work as though we are doing HIS work. Sometimes this may mean that we do not get the promotion that we desire, because all things come in GOD's time. When God decides to rain the blessings down we will rejoice, but in the mean time we must wait, patiently, while giving glory to God.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven".
While at work we are to bring glory to God, just as Jesus was a servant we are to set aside our pride and "Make our own attitude that of Christ Jesus" Philippians 2:5. We must do so without complaint.
No matter how mad we get at those we work with we need to set aside our anger ask God for patience, and trudge on working for the Lord. Bring glory to Him with our humble attitude and perseverance through the trials "consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing" James 1:2-4.
We must let go of pride and rejoice in being a humble man. "He says: "God resisted the proud, but gives grace to the humble" and "don't criticize one another, brothers..."James 4:6, &11. Even when you are working with others who make you angry take a deep breathe regain your composer and teach them! Teach them the correct way, the safer way, and the smarter way.
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Do not be critical of others, do not bring unhappiness when celebrating with others, do not be spiteful. Do not be mean. Be loving always, just as Jesus loves you, you also must love others. It is commanded from our Lord to love all men. Set aside yourself and go about working only for the LORD.
01 October 2014
Fall..My favorite time..some Gratitude!
It's October and my favorite time of year has kicked off. The the trees are changing colors, the bugs are going into hiding, but best of all it's the Holiday Season. Halloween for pretending just for one day that we are something else, Thanksgiving for be appreciative (openly) for what we have, and best of all CHRISTMAS!
I know, I know why am I looking so far forward? Why it's only October first and I am already thinking about December 25th. December 25th is a glorious day, it is the day that our Savior was born. There is only one other day in history that means so much and that comes in the Spring; EASTER.
I got busy yesterday and put up the little Halloween clings on the windows of the house. This morning I went outside and plucked tomatoes off the plants, found some chilies and jalapenos as well. We have onions bigger than my fists coming out of the ground. God has blessed us this year with a amazing bounty of produce from the garden. I have discovered some different recipes for Yellow Squash and Zucchini Squash that are amazing so I have been prepping plenty of squashes for the freezer for later use this winter.
As we come into this fall weather remember to take time for yourself to enjoy some down time, and some along time with God. For He is the Word.
I know, I know why am I looking so far forward? Why it's only October first and I am already thinking about December 25th. December 25th is a glorious day, it is the day that our Savior was born. There is only one other day in history that means so much and that comes in the Spring; EASTER.
I got busy yesterday and put up the little Halloween clings on the windows of the house. This morning I went outside and plucked tomatoes off the plants, found some chilies and jalapenos as well. We have onions bigger than my fists coming out of the ground. God has blessed us this year with a amazing bounty of produce from the garden. I have discovered some different recipes for Yellow Squash and Zucchini Squash that are amazing so I have been prepping plenty of squashes for the freezer for later use this winter.
As we come into this fall weather remember to take time for yourself to enjoy some down time, and some along time with God. For He is the Word.
18 September 2014
Hurtful Relationships
There comes a time in ours lives when we need to take a deep breath and look back. We have to examine our hearts and look into our deeds. We all have done things in the past that haunt us. We all have had things done to us that cause mistrust, and anger. It is this that can cause strife in our current relationships.
When a relationship ends there is usually a great deal of bitterness that comes into the the lives of those who were involved. For example when a marriage fails. The separating partners carry baggage with them into the next relationship. Occasionally this can cause behaviors to change in a positive way and make the new relationships stronger and better. However, most of the time it does just the opposite. It destroys the new relationship, It can, also, damage the relationship with other people that were part of that marriage; children.
In a previous post I spoke about my past. My relationships with my parents suffer because their marriage ended. I cannot have family dinners because there is still anger boiling. My daughters are getting hurt because of this too. Everybody claims "oh well it's their loss they didn't come to this [fill in the appropriate occasion (birthday party-graduation-concert-ball game)]".
In all actuality my daughters are getting hurt. I have to explain to them why Papa and Nana both are never at the celebrations. I have to look at my child and apologize for the actions that have happened that I had no part of. I have to sooth the tears. I get to re-live my own hurts and see them in the eyes of my girls.
I was at the book store today and gravitated towards the Christian Section. There was something I needed. I stumbled on this beautiful little book at a bargain price. It is a book of prayers. Prayers for 10 different situations that happen in life. I have meandered through it and have seen so many that fit my day, and so many that fit other people in my life. The opening part of the book speaks about the prayers listed and how they are to help you begin to draft you own prayers.
From my heart:
Dear Lord,
I so want to find a way to have a relationship with my parents. Father, although you see their way of approaching a relationship is highly dysfunctional. I cannot help but love them both. By your grace Lord, Yours alone, I was brought to life by these two people.
I just don't know how to navigate being around them when their hurts, habits, and hang-ups are constantly wreaking havoc.
Do I stay away?
Do I continue to try?
Do I confront, again and again?
Lord, I do not know what to do, but You do. God, please grant me wisdom; help me listen to your guidance and follow Your ways. Even if this path hurts more, Lord, I know you will always be there. I know there will be a reason for the pain I have endured and the pain that is to come.
Lord, please help me be a comfort to my hurting daughters as they are caught in the midst of this battle of anger and hurt. Lord I ask these plights in Your name. Amen.
Commit your way to the Lord Hatred stirs up strife Do not hasten in your
Trust also in Him, But Love covers all sins. spirit to be angry,
and He shall bring it to pass Proverbs 10:12 For anger rests in
Psalm 37:5 in the heart of fools
Ecclesiastes 7:9
The section was very fitting for my moment of pure rage today at the dealership. I, actually, had to remove myself from the service department and collect my emotions. I was so livid I was shaking. Not long ago I got a daily verse on my phone, and it immediately popped into my mind. "Set a Guard, O Lord over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips"--Psalms 141:3 Right here on the service guys desk is this little pamphlet titled "Keep your Cool!" It may not mean much to others but it was a reminder to control my anger...and as I was storming out to my car, that is still broken, God spoke lightly and calmed my anger. Even though those little signs may not mean much to others, some of us take it as a word from above. I was blessed that the issue presented itself while my car was still sitting in the service departments parking lot and not while I was cruising down the road at 65 miles an hour. God is good!
It is not because I want to stir up trouble that I lay my hurts, and thoughts out like this. I know that I am not alone in having to deal with these struggles. There are families everywhere that deal with issues similar. If I touch just one person's life and help them gain footing again then my work is for nothing. If I touch one heart and help them learn to Love and Lean on God...then I have succeeded.
When a relationship ends there is usually a great deal of bitterness that comes into the the lives of those who were involved. For example when a marriage fails. The separating partners carry baggage with them into the next relationship. Occasionally this can cause behaviors to change in a positive way and make the new relationships stronger and better. However, most of the time it does just the opposite. It destroys the new relationship, It can, also, damage the relationship with other people that were part of that marriage; children.
In a previous post I spoke about my past. My relationships with my parents suffer because their marriage ended. I cannot have family dinners because there is still anger boiling. My daughters are getting hurt because of this too. Everybody claims "oh well it's their loss they didn't come to this [fill in the appropriate occasion (birthday party-graduation-concert-ball game)]".
In all actuality my daughters are getting hurt. I have to explain to them why Papa and Nana both are never at the celebrations. I have to look at my child and apologize for the actions that have happened that I had no part of. I have to sooth the tears. I get to re-live my own hurts and see them in the eyes of my girls.
I was at the book store today and gravitated towards the Christian Section. There was something I needed. I stumbled on this beautiful little book at a bargain price. It is a book of prayers. Prayers for 10 different situations that happen in life. I have meandered through it and have seen so many that fit my day, and so many that fit other people in my life. The opening part of the book speaks about the prayers listed and how they are to help you begin to draft you own prayers.
From my heart:
Dear Lord,
I so want to find a way to have a relationship with my parents. Father, although you see their way of approaching a relationship is highly dysfunctional. I cannot help but love them both. By your grace Lord, Yours alone, I was brought to life by these two people.
I just don't know how to navigate being around them when their hurts, habits, and hang-ups are constantly wreaking havoc.
Do I stay away?
Do I continue to try?
Do I confront, again and again?
Lord, I do not know what to do, but You do. God, please grant me wisdom; help me listen to your guidance and follow Your ways. Even if this path hurts more, Lord, I know you will always be there. I know there will be a reason for the pain I have endured and the pain that is to come.
Lord, please help me be a comfort to my hurting daughters as they are caught in the midst of this battle of anger and hurt. Lord I ask these plights in Your name. Amen.
Commit your way to the Lord Hatred stirs up strife Do not hasten in your
Trust also in Him, But Love covers all sins. spirit to be angry,
and He shall bring it to pass Proverbs 10:12 For anger rests in
Psalm 37:5 in the heart of fools
Ecclesiastes 7:9
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| I kept my anger from doing this! |
It is not because I want to stir up trouble that I lay my hurts, and thoughts out like this. I know that I am not alone in having to deal with these struggles. There are families everywhere that deal with issues similar. If I touch just one person's life and help them gain footing again then my work is for nothing. If I touch one heart and help them learn to Love and Lean on God...then I have succeeded.
17 September 2014
Young People and Dating
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What is it with today's youth, bouncing from boy/girl saying they are dating? Do they not understand that you have to be mature, responsible, respectful, and honest to be in a relationship? If they are lying to their parents, hiding it from the public's eye, or keeping it a secret from their siblings is it really dating?
There are so many emotions that get tied up in the dating scene. Today's youth throw the word LOVE around like it doesn't mean anything. I love your shirt. I love your hair. They do not understand what the true meaning of love is. How can they say "I love you" to a person they are dating if they do not understand the real meaning?
Love according to a Google-definition search:
love
ləv/
noun
- 1.an intense feeling of deep affection."babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"
synonyms: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment,endearment; More
I feel that most youth are getting Love confused with Lust.
Google definition search for Lust
lust
ləst/
noun
I understand if they like or feel attracted to a person whether it be the opposite or same sex. I understand they could want to explore what it is like to be with that person in a relationship that is more then a friendship. What I do not understand is at the age of 12 how can they say they are dating? They can't drive. They don't have a job to pay for the expenses of dating. Do they really know what dating is? I do not believe that dating is sitting at lunch holding hands, or ignoring each other in the hallways at school.
I know that dating is part of growing up. I do not understand why teenagers or preteens feel the need to find a part of their identity in somebody else. I was a teenager who fell in love young, I got married when I was 17 for Pete's sake. I, also, got divorced in my early 20s.
At what age should dating be acceptable? I think 14 is acceptable, but I also think that all dates should be chaperoned or group dates until both people have drivers license. I do not think that the age of 12 is acceptable. I do not think that a child at that age is mature enough mentally and emotionally to handle a romantic relationship. I do not think a child who is not responsible for little things is ready for the responsibility of a relationship or the complexity of dating.
How a person can say they are dating somebody but they don't even know what their favorite food is, or their favorite movie, or their favorite anything because they simply follow the crowd. In my opinion a person should know their own inner being before they can assume they know enough to be connected to another person intimately.
What happens if a 12 year old claims to be dating, starts exploring such as hand holding, kissing, and then gets into a situation they are not mentally or emotionally ready to handle? What if they go too far and can't get the situation back under control? What if they want to stop but are continually urged and pressured to go farther? Do youth truly understand the dangers?
I welcome comments to further the discussion on youth and dating. What standards do other parents put into place? What rules do you have for your children?
15 September 2014
What's a parent?
This is a post I have wrestled with for a while. Sitting in my back office as a draft. It's time, I am so lost.
I live a life that is different than others. My husband is 14 years older than me; and has 4 children from his first marriage. I have two from my first marriage. We have 6 kids. SIX kids! Ages 25 (boy, the only boy), 22, 19, 12.5, 12, 9 (all girls, that's a lot of estrogen and attitude). There are grand children even; three boys 5, 3, 1 and a girl 3 months.
Here I am lost. Where do I fit? I know my children, my girls 12.5 and 9. I know where I fall with them, I am MOM. Where do I fall with the other 8 young souls? What role am I?
I am so vitally confused. There are days I feel like mom. Days I feel like a very distant friend who is only there for babysitting and the such. There are days I feel like the enemy, the evil one who took away their dad. There are days I feel like have had a very positive impact and then there are days I feel like I failed so miserably. These are most days. Days I feel that hatred dripping off the ceiling and sliding down the walls in my home.
The little boys don't know me. It was just until just a couple weeks ago that the 5 year old learned my name. That is because I babysit another little boy who is the same age and in the same grade. He calls me Miss Sarah.
I don't know what role I play? I am not grandma they have two already. I am not an aunt, I am not a friend, I am lost.
Where do I fit with the little ones' moms? What am I?
There was once a time when the 19 year old called me mom, we were good friends...then high school, then bad influential friends came....I became the enemy. I am not sure where I stand any more.
The oldest girl she has always hated me. Hated me to the point that she never came around and missed out on so much with her dad. I still feel very disliked. I feel tolerated.
Most days I want to crawl under the bed and hate.
The now 12 year old refers to me as "My mom" when at school...I guess I am mom...but not to people outside of school there is that very big differentiation made. This week I am mean. I am mean because I treat her the same as my two girls. Everybody has chores, everybody has to keep their grades at a c or above. I treat them all equal. Am I mean?
I am lost. I am hurting. I feel judged for going with my gut instincts when trying to have a positive influence on children I did not give birth to.
The 25 year old boy. Now that is interesting, only 7 year difference between him and I. I am referred to in contents as my parents when he is asked where he is located. However, when introducing me I am step mom. Where do I fit?
How do you raise children who are not your own? Who make sure you know they are not your children biologically speaking. My feelings get hurt all the same, maybe more. I love them, oh I love them so very much.
I live a life that is different than others. My husband is 14 years older than me; and has 4 children from his first marriage. I have two from my first marriage. We have 6 kids. SIX kids! Ages 25 (boy, the only boy), 22, 19, 12.5, 12, 9 (all girls, that's a lot of estrogen and attitude). There are grand children even; three boys 5, 3, 1 and a girl 3 months.
Here I am lost. Where do I fit? I know my children, my girls 12.5 and 9. I know where I fall with them, I am MOM. Where do I fall with the other 8 young souls? What role am I?
I am so vitally confused. There are days I feel like mom. Days I feel like a very distant friend who is only there for babysitting and the such. There are days I feel like the enemy, the evil one who took away their dad. There are days I feel like have had a very positive impact and then there are days I feel like I failed so miserably. These are most days. Days I feel that hatred dripping off the ceiling and sliding down the walls in my home.
The little boys don't know me. It was just until just a couple weeks ago that the 5 year old learned my name. That is because I babysit another little boy who is the same age and in the same grade. He calls me Miss Sarah.
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I don't know what role I play? I am not grandma they have two already. I am not an aunt, I am not a friend, I am lost.
Where do I fit with the little ones' moms? What am I?
There was once a time when the 19 year old called me mom, we were good friends...then high school, then bad influential friends came....I became the enemy. I am not sure where I stand any more.
The oldest girl she has always hated me. Hated me to the point that she never came around and missed out on so much with her dad. I still feel very disliked. I feel tolerated.
Most days I want to crawl under the bed and hate.
The now 12 year old refers to me as "My mom" when at school...I guess I am mom...but not to people outside of school there is that very big differentiation made. This week I am mean. I am mean because I treat her the same as my two girls. Everybody has chores, everybody has to keep their grades at a c or above. I treat them all equal. Am I mean?
I am lost. I am hurting. I feel judged for going with my gut instincts when trying to have a positive influence on children I did not give birth to.
The 25 year old boy. Now that is interesting, only 7 year difference between him and I. I am referred to in contents as my parents when he is asked where he is located. However, when introducing me I am step mom. Where do I fit?
How do you raise children who are not your own? Who make sure you know they are not your children biologically speaking. My feelings get hurt all the same, maybe more. I love them, oh I love them so very much.
Do I keep fighting or do I give in and let go. I know I am not their mother, I don't want to take that position. I just want to know where I stand.
God says "Love all men" "Children obey your father's instructions, don't reject your mother's teaching" Step parenting is in the Bible. It's not labeled as such. But even Jesus had a Step-Dad.
04 September 2014
Prayer....Forgiveness...Hurts...Circles...Hope
What does it mean to forgive somebody for the pain they have caused? What does it take to forgive? Does it magically make the hurts go away because you say you forgive them?
I was attending a regular college online and within the first six months of starting my courses I felt a pull towards something more; I just could not quite grasp what.
I opened my email one day and there was an invitation from Liberty University. I can not tell you how many college emails I had simply deleted from my inbox without a second thought...but this one...this one had me pause. I opened it and it was a Christian college.
I began making phone calls and gathered all the necessary paper work and information. Waiting to know if I was going to be accepted...waiting to find out if my credits would transfer.
I got accepted.
Great, now what? A college the teaches on biblical standards and integrates faith in to all lessons; what am I going to do with that?!
Three years later I am in my senior year of my Bachelors degree. Three years later I have been on a roller coaster of emotions I thought I long ago abandoned.
Over the course of the last three years I have been in a circle of forgiveness. Some have been easy transgression to forgive...others I just wasn't ready and they always come back again.
I want to point out the what so many people have titled "The Lord's Prayer"
Our Father in heaven,
Your name be honored as holy.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
on Earth as it is heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
[For YOURS is the kingdom,
and the power
and the glory forever. Amen]
Matthew 6:9-13 (HCSB)
FORGIVENESS- I am going to continue on to the next two verses that follow that prayer
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing."
That is a lot to swallow. Pretty much my salvation is hinging on my ability to forgive those who have done me wrong. I have been hurt, lied to, beat, and abused. My heart is full of hurt that has been masked as anger for a very long time. My heart feels so abandoned by many people that roam this planet. If my inability to forgive is going to keep me out of my Father's presence I want to forgive each and every person that has done me wrong. I wish it were that easy.
That is where my education has come in to play. It was in the middle of my lessons through Christian counseling that I began the road to forgiveness. That is where God pulled me in and held me tight and said to my heart:
"Dear Child they are just earthly beings, it is my love that is enduring, it is my love that you need. My Dear child I will hold you close as you walk this life and walk through again the hurts that others have given your heart. My dear child I love you so much I want you to feel that love. My dear child it is OK to forgive." Casting Crowns-Just Another Birthday<<<Click the link
Some hurts have been easier to forgive then other. As I forgive some hurts more begin to bubble to the surface I long ago tried to block away. The more I embrace forgiveness the more I hear God speaking to my heart. The more I am open to His love the easier those horrible hurts are getting to forgive.
So many people pray the Lord's Prayer at funerals or other faith based gatherings; but it makes me wonder if they really mean it? Do they really understand what it is they are asking for? So many people are holding on to hurts and refuse to forgive those who have done them wrong but yet they feel they are entitled to be forgiven. The old quote I have heard time and time again "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" You know in all actuality that poison is just going to kill you and keep you from having a life in the presence of our Lord and Savior; learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not for the wrong doer but for your own heart, over all health, and forgiveness from
God.
We are all humans, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I am not free of sin myself. I am a very big sinner, and I recognized that in myself; but I try everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday. I can only hope that those who I hurt forgive me; just as I am beginning to forgive them for the hurts they caused me.
I was attending a regular college online and within the first six months of starting my courses I felt a pull towards something more; I just could not quite grasp what.
I felt an inner voice telling me I needed something I wasn't getting; this something was soul food.
This was what that pull was.
I began making phone calls and gathered all the necessary paper work and information. Waiting to know if I was going to be accepted...waiting to find out if my credits would transfer.
I got accepted.
Great, now what? A college the teaches on biblical standards and integrates faith in to all lessons; what am I going to do with that?!
Three years later I am in my senior year of my Bachelors degree. Three years later I have been on a roller coaster of emotions I thought I long ago abandoned.
Over the course of the last three years I have been in a circle of forgiveness. Some have been easy transgression to forgive...others I just wasn't ready and they always come back again.
I want to point out the what so many people have titled "The Lord's Prayer"
Our Father in heaven,
Your name be honored as holy.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
on Earth as it is heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
[For YOURS is the kingdom,
and the power
and the glory forever. Amen]
Matthew 6:9-13 (HCSB)
FORGIVENESS- I am going to continue on to the next two verses that follow that prayer
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing."
That is a lot to swallow. Pretty much my salvation is hinging on my ability to forgive those who have done me wrong. I have been hurt, lied to, beat, and abused. My heart is full of hurt that has been masked as anger for a very long time. My heart feels so abandoned by many people that roam this planet. If my inability to forgive is going to keep me out of my Father's presence I want to forgive each and every person that has done me wrong. I wish it were that easy.
That is where my education has come in to play. It was in the middle of my lessons through Christian counseling that I began the road to forgiveness. That is where God pulled me in and held me tight and said to my heart:
"Dear Child they are just earthly beings, it is my love that is enduring, it is my love that you need. My Dear child I will hold you close as you walk this life and walk through again the hurts that others have given your heart. My dear child I love you so much I want you to feel that love. My dear child it is OK to forgive." Casting Crowns-Just Another Birthday<<<Click the link
Some hurts have been easier to forgive then other. As I forgive some hurts more begin to bubble to the surface I long ago tried to block away. The more I embrace forgiveness the more I hear God speaking to my heart. The more I am open to His love the easier those horrible hurts are getting to forgive.
So many people pray the Lord's Prayer at funerals or other faith based gatherings; but it makes me wonder if they really mean it? Do they really understand what it is they are asking for? So many people are holding on to hurts and refuse to forgive those who have done them wrong but yet they feel they are entitled to be forgiven. The old quote I have heard time and time again "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" You know in all actuality that poison is just going to kill you and keep you from having a life in the presence of our Lord and Savior; learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not for the wrong doer but for your own heart, over all health, and forgiveness from
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We are all humans, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I am not free of sin myself. I am a very big sinner, and I recognized that in myself; but I try everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday. I can only hope that those who I hurt forgive me; just as I am beginning to forgive them for the hurts they caused me.
01 September 2014
When does the testing end?
In my post about coming down from the extreme stress I mentioned that the last big hurdle, or so I thought, was my brother's hand surgery.
Well life had other plans.
The surgery was a great success the hand is healing well, except now he has pneumonia. I was ok with that I know it's highly treatable. What I am not ok with is that the hospital he is at did not pay attention to his medical history and gave him FOUR bag of intravenous antibiotics that he is ALLERGIC to and on bag number four he had an aliphatic reactions and stopped breathing. That phone call was heartbeat skipping.
It filled me with fear, dread, and worry.
I. Could. Have. Lost. My. Brother.
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All because the medical staff were negligent. What I cannot wrap my mind around is how can they let something so vitally important slip through the cracks? How could they play with life like that? Not only do they not pay attention to the medical records but the CNA stepped on his IV tube and about pulled it out of his arm. I am sincerely disappointed with the care he is receiving from the medical staff.
I have an important friend who I text knowing that she will pray for me, the medical teams, and the person in the midst of the medical battle. She is a blogger <---link there. A faith filled person who in the middle of her own life struggles takes the time to pray for others, to send heartwarming messages via email, text, and thoughts. She sent me a message yesterday, a reminder that God will help (Isaiah 41:13). It was the message I needed at the time I was struggling.
I have felt lately that I am about to my breaking point that moment when life feels too stressful to deal with. I get a daily verse on my phone a gentle reminder that God is always near. A verse that makes me stop in the moment and let it sink in deep, deep into my heart to feed my soul with the love that is showered on me from my Heavenly Father. Here is the Link to that app from Google Play if you are interested in having your own thought provoking verses delivered daily to your mobile device.
One must remember that we are not alone here. We have God on our right side helping us through the paths of life. It makes me think about the footsteps in the sand poem. It was then that I carried you.
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24 August 2014
Communication...what's that?
As a previous post mentioned I deactivated Facebook. I am out of the loop of the happenings of the world. The school staff forget to send home notes to notify parents of changes in sport schedules because they posted it on Facebook. Family post news on Facebook but forget to tell everybody else. I am deeply saddened by the fact that so many people rely on Social Media to spread the good, the bad, and the indifferent news.
What happened to picking up the phone?
Nobody noticed for over a week.
Some didn't notice for three weeks.
Some still haven't noticed.
What's my next adventure? Calling people instead of just texting them. I want to bring back personal relationships in my life.
Here's what I have observed with text messaging:
People feel they can ignore the message as if they never received it.
People get mixed up about the tone behind the message and may misinterpret the meaning. We forget that sarcasm does not translate into text (face expressions, and body language are missing).
Messages get lost in cyberspace and there is a delay in delivering. Cell phones malfunctions. People hide behind the screen and say things they may never say face to face. There is a total disregard to feelings and thoughts when the speaker/text sender does not have to see the facial expressions of the hurt feelings.
Human interactions is a dying way of life.
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What happened to penning a letter?
Here's what happened when I deactivated:
Nobody noticed for over a week.
Some didn't notice for three weeks.
Some still haven't noticed.
When I am asked why did you deactivate? My response:
I want real life, face to face interactions with those I love and care for.
I want to have dinner with my friends. I want to see my family in person. I want to go to bbq's and birthday parties. I want to talk on the phone and hear the good news with the excitement in the person's voice. I want to know that there is more to life then the screen in front of me.What's my next adventure? Calling people instead of just texting them. I want to bring back personal relationships in my life.
Here's what I have observed with text messaging:
People feel they can ignore the message as if they never received it.
People get mixed up about the tone behind the message and may misinterpret the meaning. We forget that sarcasm does not translate into text (face expressions, and body language are missing).
Messages get lost in cyberspace and there is a delay in delivering. Cell phones malfunctions. People hide behind the screen and say things they may never say face to face. There is a total disregard to feelings and thoughts when the speaker/text sender does not have to see the facial expressions of the hurt feelings.
Human interactions is a dying way of life.
22 August 2014
So, so, sleepy...
It could be the weather or it could be that my body is finally coming down from the high stress level of the last couple weeks.
Both men who were having cardiac procedures are home and on the mend. My niece who for whatever reason was lethargic and unresponsive is showing no lasting effects; that I am aware of. The baby who got burned on his feet and flew to Denver Children's is home and healing. The investigation of the accident is coming to a close. The last big hurdle is my brother who smashed his hand and now requires surgery.
My home is kid free today, no extra children to attend to, I can finally process everything my mind and heart has gone through.
So much hurt, fear, and anxiety.
I knew that stress was brutal on the body. Mine manifests itself in the form of debilitating stomach aches that makes me wish I was in labor with a baby instead withering on the bed in agony. Amazingly enough I only had a couple minor anxiety attacks; I am learning to control and cope with stress better.
I sent out an abundance of prayer requests which resulted in myself, my family, and each individual person who was in the medical situation raised in intercessory prayer by an army of faithful men and women. I truly believe that all of this was a test. A test of faith and grace.
Not once did my God let evil win.
You see in the New Testament alone anxiety is mentioned over 20 times. Matthew 6:25 as an example. We are not to worry but give everything to God. As difficult as that is to do, it is needed. I knew there was nothing I could physically do in this last few weeks that would change the outcome for any person in the midst of their medical situation. All I could do was request God to guide the hands of the medical staff and to strengthen the person in the middle of the situation to heal. Leaning on faith is hard.
I am still learning to have Faith.
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| Exhaustion -link to source |
Both men who were having cardiac procedures are home and on the mend. My niece who for whatever reason was lethargic and unresponsive is showing no lasting effects; that I am aware of. The baby who got burned on his feet and flew to Denver Children's is home and healing. The investigation of the accident is coming to a close. The last big hurdle is my brother who smashed his hand and now requires surgery.
My home is kid free today, no extra children to attend to, I can finally process everything my mind and heart has gone through.
So much hurt, fear, and anxiety.
I knew that stress was brutal on the body. Mine manifests itself in the form of debilitating stomach aches that makes me wish I was in labor with a baby instead withering on the bed in agony. Amazingly enough I only had a couple minor anxiety attacks; I am learning to control and cope with stress better.
I sent out an abundance of prayer requests which resulted in myself, my family, and each individual person who was in the medical situation raised in intercessory prayer by an army of faithful men and women. I truly believe that all of this was a test. A test of faith and grace.
Not once did my God let evil win.
You see in the New Testament alone anxiety is mentioned over 20 times. Matthew 6:25 as an example. We are not to worry but give everything to God. As difficult as that is to do, it is needed. I knew there was nothing I could physically do in this last few weeks that would change the outcome for any person in the midst of their medical situation. All I could do was request God to guide the hands of the medical staff and to strengthen the person in the middle of the situation to heal. Leaning on faith is hard.
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| Matthew 17:20--Link to source |
12 August 2014
Presence is a present....
I have watched many different gathering over the course of the last few months. My observations are that even though we are physically present at a function doesn't mean that our mind is present. Going out to dinner with my husband has been interesting; usually involves him playing solitaire on his phone. I will not claim innocence with this negative behavior, but I noticed I was checking Facebook or playing jewel mania more then I was having a conversation with my family.That's when I made a choice to stop. I want to be present for the meal, I want to be present for the conversations.
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I
put
my
cellphone
down.
Look around you the next time you are out dinning with family or friends, maybe you too are guilty, how many people are grossly involved with their phones? How many are texting, or checking a social media platform, email, or reading blogs?
What happened to human interactions? What happened to giving others the gift of your presences when at a social gathering? I sat at the table in my kitchen this last weekend and watched...more often than not somebody has a cell phone in front of them that they were using in some manner. Conversations were very little.
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No matter what function be there, be present, make a point to be part of it no matter what. Put the phone away.
Yesterday is gone,
tomorrow is not guaranteed,
once this moment is gone
it's gone that is why today is called the
present...it's a gift from God.
11 August 2014
Words are an empty vessel
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| Source: We heart it |
Our Words are Just Words;
WE NEED ACTIONS!
We can tell a person we love them. We can tell others that we will be there to help them but without actually showing them through our actions; the words are just empty. Empty vessels of letters strung together that mean nothing more then their shapes.
It is the actions that we do following the words we speak that lets people know if we are sincere or not. No matter the hurts that have been caused in the past we have to show the world we are better then that. We have to prove that we not only talk the talk but we walk the walk as well.
When you tell somebody you love them, not only a romantic love but a platonic love, or a parental love show them. Make sure they know it by the way you behave towards and around them.
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THIS HORRID LESSON I AM LEARNING RIGHT NOW.
I have been so nasty lately. So angry at my own pains I didn't care who I hurt in the midst of it. There is a quote that goes something like this
"Hurting people hurt people"
I can't tell you how true that statement is, or even the origins. When we allow the hurts to accumulate within we act in a way towards other people (not always on purpose) that hurts them. Ignoring invitations, dodging phone calls, skipping messages, not attending celebrations, HURTFUL words. All negative actions that display the negative feelings from inside.
Do not just say you love a person out of habit, prove to them that you love them by your actions.
Do not let the sun go down....
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Anger
I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, but that sun set twenty plus years ago.
I am the child of a broke home. A marriage that ended in great bitterness, anger, sadness, and loss. Not only did the marriage end but the family...my family... was tore apart.
My dad is still very angry and no matter how many times he is reminded about this he still just says it's not going to happen. Tomorrow he goes in for bypass surgery; could the last words I have said to him be "Someday you will have to get over your selfishness!!" in a fit of anger? Could me reaching out and asking him to read Ephesians 4:25-32 been the last chance for him and his reply have been "Not going to happen." There are so many what ifs? How comes? What fors? I made my choice to not attend this medical procedure because of my hurts. I made the choice not to go because I am still angry at him and a few others that will be there as well. I am angry because of all the heartaches they have caused. I know that I should just deal, be the bigger person, and swallow the bitter pill; it's so hard.
God said "Be angry and do not sin." Does the guarding of my heart constitute sin? Does not wanting to put myself in a position for anguish mean I am sinning? Does not forgiving the people who have hurt
me mean I am sinning? According to Luke 17:3-4 I am suppose to forgive repeat offenses. Again, I am confused. I know that this life is not going to be easy.
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| Source: fessicsfavorites.wordpress.com |
I am angry with my brother and his wife\fiance\baby-mama for always dumping their problems on me and when I am set to have an adult conversation I was told "We don't need your help." After working extra hard to ensure that my schedule was cleared so I could go help them work through whatever issues they had to make their relationship stronger,but at the last minute was told we don't need you. I guess I felt...still feel...I deserved an apology. This just makes the anger seethe inside. I am not suppose to let the sun go down on my anger, and I am not suppose to let that anger turn to sin. Have I? Is avoiding them sin?
I am so confused.
Protecting my heart from hurts, but at what cost? Does building up wall around my heart mean I am sinning? I guess I am. The lesson in Luke 6:27-36 Oh what a hard, hard lesson.
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| Source: www.sunnyshell.org |
I love my father and his wife, my grandma, and my brother and his wife/fiance/baby-mama and kid.I just do not love the hurts in my heart.
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